When my thoughts race away in this rapid strange self destructive way, all I want is to end it all. Everything seems black and the hole just keep getting deeper and deeper. The outcome does not seem to be good, so I brake down and cry. Crawl up in this fetus position and stay there for as long as it takes.
I wish there was a way to explain this to you and a easy and straight forward way. But the explanation is not that easy nor is this the illness. As I had my first hour with an psychiatrist yesterday I have learned that the thought that I have had about myself my whole life is in some way the truth.
I came there, sat down and answered questions, told him about episodes, cried and felt extremely naked! After he said; I think the best thing is for you to get well, I think it is good for you to be hospitalized for a little while, so a diagnose can be set and you can be treated with the right medications.
So for you people who tell me that you want to be here for me, do not lie, do not judge and remember I try as hard as I can…
The thing that disturbs me is all the secrets and the Silver lining, I really do not like the lies being told straight to my face…
I will tell you how this goes, share my ups and downs, being real and openly bipolar with some extra stuff is not the end… Tho I feel like it is right now and that my mind explodes and disappear into this parallel universe where everything is a mess..
Most of the times I am frustrated sad and paranoid..
Yesterday I started on this new medication, Zyprexa.. I will let you know how this goes..
It is probably a lot of words here, but there is and update an a little insight..
I am trying so hard…