Is it me…


My second day on Zyprexa, and the sleeping is already better. From the first night I slept for almost 8-10 hours, this night I slept for 10-12 hours and I still feel sleepy. At the moment my dosage is 15 mg Cipralex in the morning, 10-30 mg Valium (during the day) and 5-7,5 mg Zyprexa in the evening. I don’t feel any hangover from the Zyprexa, but I still shiver and my hands tremble. The doctor told me to increase the dosage if I felt like it. I’m still in the early state, I don’t really know how long it will take before the meds will show some sign. 

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I do have hallucinations and I hear things, sometimes it feel likes I leave my body and go somewhere else. Like the Forrest, snowy mountain cabin, bridges, busses, houses with many rooms and people I care for and not like at all. These new meds make me “blackout” at night, earlier than normal. Around 9-11 pm for the last three nights is the last I remember, watching a movie and then wake up hours later either on the sofa or in bed. It is a little disturbing because I cannot do anything in the evening these days, but hopefully it is just a phase, like the stomach aches and shivering. Neithertheless I am feeling really unbalanced. I really struggle with telling the truth from inside my head. It is all a blur at the moment, but I have to stay “clear and clean” for my own sake. This is difficult from time to time since my mood elevate so quickly and my mania starts to spin-off. I cannot explain why this is happened to me, but I will share this so other can get the help they need before it hits the black hole, like I have… I just wish I could show you all the inside of my brain so you would understand me and see it all clearly without the cloudy, puffy pillow side to it… 

I cannot be anything other than hopeful for the future and thinking that it will all sort itself out. But right now it doesnot look good underneath it all. Therefor I need to clear my head of all these voices that crash down and destroy my everything. I wish I could escape to Wonderland, like Alice did. Not worrying about anything, just see the happymad creatures and drink tea! Put on this “raggydee” outfit on and dance around between the flowers and high grass. I am hoping to meet others that understands and are in the same place as I am. I have this “rock” in my life, but I am afraid to burden and be in the way. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, again, I just want to not be misunderstood…

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