Finally the letter arrived in the mail, my appointment at the hospital is on the 3rd of April. Cannot wait to get the treatments going, diagnosing and the right medicines. My days now are not good, I feel so misplaced, lost like a baby reaching out for someone to hold me. As if this is not enough I struggle with loneliness and the not being able to speak about what bothers me. I am still for some, misunderstood and this is not easy. It is hard going through the days feeling like I have to defend my every word and action. I do not like this!
The Zyprexa takes a toll out of me, makes me tired and not wanting to do anything. Still I also need Valium to calm me down. There is nothing working anymore and I am real tired of this sadness that covers and fills up my every day like it is air. I strive for “Normality”, what the fuck that means. Lately I have been feeling that this “normality” is stress. But I wish for a stable life. I want people in my life that lift me and make me smile, there has been a lack of that. My thoughts go out to you whom feel the same, being Bipolar or not. Understanding and relating to this unshakeable feeling go unavailingly solitude!
As my days are filled with waiting on all areas, my patient is now at max. How longer can I hold it in, will it burst soon – this bubble? I wish I could go to beach and chill…