All for you

I do not know how to be around people, it is hard to feel that I have to keep smiling even when I just want to break down and cry. I am lost in this translation of diagnoses, words, vivid realities, rapid-cycling and a feelings of unworthiness. As I promised the doctor at the hospital, I am keeping my promise, not taking anything else than cipralex, zyprexa and valium. I am still not a fan of the valium, it makes me feel like a shadow that doesn’t exist. As the Zyprexa almost makes me a narcoleptic-ish after darkness, I do not have trouble sleeping anymore.

I wish there were something that helped me, the doctor told me that I might be Schizophrenic, and wants to put me on seroquel. I do not know so much about this medicine, but I have done some researching and it is probably better than Cipralex, because I do not feel them and I take 20 mg every day. So I sit here alone contemplating every little thing and all the moments that has passed. There are people in this world that will never understand me or this illness, because they are to consumed into their own egoistic-world! Why wont you just google before opening your big mouth and telling me I am crazy. You cannot judge a book by its cover and if you haven’t walked in my shoes do not pretend to understand. If you have a problem with honesty do not interact with me, just keep living the lie everybody know of! I have to admit I am a little afraid of the schizophrenia, but I cry, they do not…

“Don’t think about it” everybody tells me – but hey you aren’t Bipolar, I can’t just quit thinking or change my thoughts. I wouldn’t have this problem if I could – and it is really hard to explain myself every time. I feel more alone now than ever, and I don’t even know if I can trust my own mind anymore. This is really hard for me, because I just want to be understood and accepted for who I am, not who you think I am. We are not contagious or want to harm you in any way. We are searching for the truth and a way to just be for a moment. Appreciate the love we share, all the caring is because we live through you. Do not abuse or mistake our kindness for weakness!

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I colored my feathers yesterday!

This world of Psychiatry is somewhat a labyrinth where you never can find your way out. I feel stuck as the rabbit in the hole… I miss someone to hold and love!