Wide awake…


The days go by so fast and my brain race in a speed that is impossible for you to understand. I do not even really understand this myself. So if there are some tricks that you can give me, please do!

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Yesterday they put me on my new medicine, Quetiapine 100 mg, Vallergan 20 mg and Mogadon 5 mg. These meds should have knocked me face down, but I am still up every other hour. This night I told the night nurses and now as the time is 04:51 am, I am wide awake. What is this? I also have nightmares, about crawling animals, ants, and other small little freaky stuff. My days are exhausting and it has been like this for one week! Yes, I have been here at Lovisenberg DPS for a whole week, the time does not stop. The world on the “outside” ticks by and I am still in the same place… My weekend was ok, with a few break downs, crying and the whole shebang! On Saturday I broke down, shaking and crying while eating dinner, tried to calm me down, took a Valium, went to my room and laid under the covers for an hour. I pulled myself together and went to a Photo exhibition, Lost Generationone of my good friends exhibits photos at Dansens Hus. Go and check it out if you are near Oslo, Norway. Sunday was family day, with my mom, sister and brother. I love them so much and it means the world to me that they take time out of theirs day to visit their “crazy” older sister. But all I do is cry, and I feel so guilty and alone. Even though they tell me I am not alone. But as the oldest I feel responsible and that I should be the one with my life together. When this is not a reality and I live in this Wonderland I am thankful to have good friends and family. This means the world to me and my heart feels like it will explode. 

Still there are people whom has left this place, I love and miss them… Wishing I could help you all, but before I can help anyone I need to learn how to coop myself, love myself and just be… I feel so “naked”, stripped, empty and alone! I want to be better. The days are filled with forms and questions that brings back everything that has ever happened to me. It fills me up with sadness, that burst out in tears and me storming out of rooms in panic attacks. I feel lonely even though I am not…

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