Labour Day


I have these vivid realities, like there is nothing else that exists. My world trembled around me, as the walls shrink and moves closer. My heart started to raise, was this another hallucination or is this my other side. The side I always known of, but never actually accepted. It is just me, the animals, woods and this lady. The lady is almost always dressed in white, with this long white hair, that also sometimes is in a bun. You know the one that the librarian has. I always wonder why, why do they appear and from where? Inside the walls there is another world, a world of mystery where things happen. I can sit for hours listening to the sounds and the humming. It sounds like a bee, humming away, but with words. Big words, strange and a little bit scary. I do not know if this world can be seen by the normal eye. I wonder if this is all in my head as the voices that appears and tell me that I cannot trust anyone or that they will lie, do me wrong and harm me. I feel as I have nothing to give, but still I keep trying. I try so hard, not as the giants, but as an ant in a colony. I do not stand out, I have lost all my sanity. I am exhausted and just want to sleep. I have not slept a whole night in weeks, even though I am on all these pills. They increased my dosage from 300 mg Quetapine to 500 mg in the evening and I am still on 100 mg during the day. They stop my racing, rapid cycling, but still there is something missing. It is just that I do not know what it is…

peoleI am rocking this boat as the waves due inland and disturb my inner peace. Still I am struggling with my inner tsunami, overwhelming me with a force which I cannot describe in words. But if you go deep, inside, underneath your skin, flesh and muscles. I feel unsure, unsafe and lonely in my own little Wonderland. Surrounding myself with these hallucinations, karma spots, colours, animals and people… I have answered a lot of questions during my diagnosing and some of them have really frightened me. I have lost something that I do not know how to get back…

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