Decreasing, increasing my medicines again and I am now on 5 mg Cipralex in the morning, this is because I’m discontinuing these pills as well as I did with the Zyprexa. So I am now on 500 mg Quetapine (depot) in the evening and 100 mg Quetapine during the day. But still there is something missing. Living my life on the edge, never knowing when it will be to much or when I will break down.
I am slowly, baby step, by baby step moving in the right direction. But there is still a huge part of me missing that I am searching for. Never really known where I am from, only where I grew up. In a safe home, with a family that I now think and knows cares for me. Even though it is hard to believe this in my own little wonderland world. The downside with my new medication is that I get acnes on my back, not a huge problem if I compare it to everything else that goes on in my life.
I am afraid that I never can get rid of this facade I use as my shelter. Just teach me gently how to breath and I will come out from my shell. Feeling, seeing and being a human for once. Not just a animated figure that lives an imaginary life. I got a picture in my head about how life is supposed to be, but I am so far from that image and the road is long. I feel lost in translation and the reality hits me as I see that I am alone, again. Being on my own, by myself is an new experience that I do not know if I like or not. Never really loved myself or what I am. This is hard and not an easy thing to admit, but this place makes me face all my problems over and over again and again. As I sit here alone in my room, listening to music and writing down my inner, most deepest thoughts to share with the whole world and all of you that are interested is somewhat an relief.
There are so many uncertain things in my life at the moment and I struggle with depression. But when everybody thinks that I am happy or whatever just because I smile, I just have to say: I AM NOT! All I want is someone to understand, be here, don’t judge me and love me. I am “naked” and exposed at the same time. It is all so sensitive, I am… And all I want is to help everybody with their life so they can smile and be happy!