The sun is out and I should be jumping around and smiling, but this day is a hard one. I woke up, took a shower and now I am here with my coffee cup and my thoughts. I do share my life with you and the whole world, this is my decision and I have removed my filters and still trying. Even though I still carry my iron mask with me every where I go. There is a safety net and my cover-up. Being depressed is not something you want to be, it just happens. Like every day I have to wake up, shower, eat breakfast, dinner and so on…
There is nothing that gives me the inner peace you all talk about. I do not know why I am so anxious, shaky, racing or where it all comes from. I wish I knew, just something about my past, like my childhood before I was adopted. Because I have all these unanswered questions. I feel alone, left out and misunderstood. But things are starting to fall into pieces like the puzzle with 1500 pieces we keep ourselves busy with so our brains get a “time-out”. Just another day here with my rapid-cycling and disturbed thoughts. I have not touched the puzzle in a few days, my mind is elsewhere while it seems like I have it all together. But that is not the truth, and people can see this… At least some people. After carrying around this iron face mask for over 30 something years, it is hard to let people in. Because I have a huge trust issue when it comes to people. Being let down in life is a reality for me and it still is. My paranoia takes over and I think that everybody is after me or here to hurt me. Having these thoughts and episodes is lonely and it feels like a darkness that never disappears.
It feels like every time I open up, I get thrown back a hundred steps. Pushed over the limit and falling down in a hole that never ends. The weird thing is that I feel like this is “normal”, but I know that there is something missing. I just want to bring myself back, not be in this shell or behind a facade. Hiding myself from this world that is sinking deeper and deeper. Not knowing where I am going or what is waiting for me around the next corner. I am tired, have not slept a whole night in weeks, but where does all this energy come from? It is like having auxiliary power supply that never ends.
Though I feel empty and alone I have family, friends and people around me that supports me. But I do not wish to be a burden on anyone, and that is how I feel at the moment. With all my problems, struggles, situations and crossroads.
Hope your Sunday is a fun day and that the sun shines on all of you people out there that read and follow me ❤