Woke up with an empty feeling, like I lost something during the night. I dreamt that I lost two of my teeth, they just fell out. Normally I dream that I lose them all, that they just “drop” out as pearls on a thread. Maybe this is a sign, a sign of change and peace.
The sun is out today as well, but I do not feel it or the power of the light. Like I said, all I feel is emptiness and loneliness like there is nothing else just a big black hole! This is probably my depression talking and taking over with all its power and energy. I dressed myself up in colours today, but it does not help me at all today. All I want is to sit in a dark room and cry. This feeling is unbearable and horrible. It feels like as I am all alone whatever or whenever I am. Shaking this feeling is almost uncanny and impossible. But I try to cover up and hide myself even though I do not think that I am good at it. Because being invisible in colours is nearly impossible.
As the time goes and ticks away I have learned that being positive and smile is not a “good thing”. This is really weird for me, because this is a part of my personality and I know it makes others feel better. But here, it seems like they do not like it when I am cheerful and happy. So now I have to show them my depressive side, the one that lays underneath my smile and colourful being. It sucks that I cannot be myself, because I hate being miserable and it shows, because my whole aura changes. I want to dress up in all black, scream, tear my hair and nails off. I hate this feeling, but when I am being “judge” because I am a positive being, this is what you get.
Yesterday I got “my” diagnose BPD, I do not agree, but that was what the doctor here said. My medicine is also increased and changed; 600 mg (depot) Seroquel and 30 mg Tolvon. So I am off Vallergan. She told me to read about this illness and that I would then recognise myself, but I do not! I am not an angry person, I was when I was a child, but I had my reasons and they where real. So if being positive and polite is a bad thing, people will see the whole scale, from happy directly to miserable. Okay, I do not have a scale, there is only black and white. But you know what I mean and life is not a dance on roses or the pink sky.
All I want is for you to understand and not judge me because of my past. So to you whom are judging me, STOP! I struggle every day, even though I am colourful and smile!