On the fourth weekend (has it really been that long??) at Lovisenberg I am “finally” spending the weekend at home… Have to pack up all my stuff in boxes before the end of this month is stressful for me! But I have started today, went to the storage store and bought boxes! I am proud of myself! Yay! I also carried them with me, big boxes and little me – exhausted and proud at the same time. Finally being able to do something useful for once. So now I sit here and look at them and wonder when the spirit will get me going…
My home is no longer my home, but a middle station, like other things in my life. I really do not know how I will get through this, but the power inside has always kept me on a track. Where it leads to now, I surely do not know. But I know that there will be a huge change and shift in me and myself. I was supposed to go to a friends birthday today, but I am exhausted and would not be a good asset to the celebration, so I will be there in the spirit. But then again I will get out of the city tomorrow. Seeing a garden and friends I have not seen in a long time. It is awesome for me when people get me and take me for who I am and take me away. This illness, Bipolar, is nothing to joke about. It controls more of me than I like to admit, but these new medicine, Lithium, gets me going and so do the Quetapine (seroquel). I can see my life slowly being brought back to life, even though there is a long road.
So as the night crawls up on me and reality hits me, I see that I am not ready for this yet. I still need time to adapt and settle. I wish I could live somewhere where the flowers and the forest grew wildly. I wish I could make my own little utopia, where everybody understood me and let me be me and fly away. Sometimes I feel so lonely that it hurts, and the sadness takes over like there is only blackness and nothing else left. Why is this? Where do everybody go? Is life just a race, where second place never is good enough, but first place is unreachable?
I have all these thoughts and things twirling around inside me, like a storm that I cannot understand. I need to do things for myself, start living my own life and make choices on my own. This is not pleasant, but so needed for me to get to that place. The peaceful place inside myself, my own little island. With white sand, clear blue water and palm trees. I just wish I could see me inside the mirror once!
Have a great weekend lovely ones!