Invisible…


In love with you and all that you stand for, while looking after the one I care for. I lost my patients and my world. Now I am comfortable with my own psychic and being. But I am unsure about everybody else, looking at me thinking it is all good. I do not like the people around me, starring and judging me by my looks. I do not feel how I look or project and I am not looking how I feel. I feel the difference in me, like the Bipolar side effect me. But in my mind, I am not that crazy, weird or whatever you people call me. I do not care anymore, but I am more certain that you also are a bit out there. Not sane, but insane or alone in my own little world.

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Life is not what you think it is, it is always more or different from what you think. As I grow older, more wise and in contact with myself I am certain, we all are a bit crazy. So as crazy says, crazy does or is it really so? Will we be like everybody else when the medication works properly? Is medication the right way to go? I am on Seroquel 600mg (depot) and 83mg Lithium at night, as well as 5mg Mogadon (sleeping pills) and 5mg Valium. In the morning I take 83mg + 42mg Lithium and during the day I take 50mg Seroquel in the morning and 50mg Seroquel in the evening. This is so I can deal during the day, and not be inside myself like I used to be. I am not the person I used to be or I want to be, but I am slowly taking back my own personality, with these baby steps, so small and almost invisible, Not knowing where I am going or whom I shall be. I am not the one who will speak out first, or be visible, but I will fight the fight for the right people. And as my life slowly ticks away, I have been told that I am more visible now than before. Not really noticing this myself, but trying to be the good one. Helping others and staying in the now.

There are days where I wish I was invisible, just so I could float around and see what is really going on here. In this place, Oslo Hospital, there are a lot of good people, but at times it seems like some of them are here only for the money, not for us real people. We have demands, needs and so on, they are not unreasonable or uncanny. But real and lovely people. I have to say that my love for the others are real, unconditional and will last forever. The souls that I have met in this place will always and forever be in my heart. There is no where else in this world where the people are more real and honest. This place opens up a part of me that I always knew I had, but never thought that you would see or could see the realness in me or my personality.

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But when my world trembles because you as an employer tell me that we as patient are to private in our conversations I really do not know where we went wrong. It is really weird that we cannot talk about stuff or different things. Because in our heads it is not wrong or right, only words and letters. Why is this a problem, we should be able to share what we like to and talk about our lives? As a mental illness or a sick person as you “normal” people will call us, this is not fair, because we do not judge you like you judge us. I feel unworthy, small and invisible. These words only make me feel worse than you can ever imagine. I lose all believes in myself and think that I am lost in a world without any realness.

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