Whatever I do, when I make a mistake I over think and think about it for days. Why is it so? Do you ever spend your time thinking about your mistakes? I really do not know why I do this, but I have always been the one to remember the negativity. I wish I could remember the positivity and kind words, but there is a way to walk. It is a long road, with curves and such. I often go in the wrong direction, but somehow, mysterious I find my way “back” to the place where I feel alone and lost.
I am searching for a way out, to place where the skies are blue and the sun shines bright and warm! Will I ever bring myself to this, go for the unexpected… As my depression goes on, I think for myself that I am stronger than I give myself credit for and that I do handle “these” days. While all I want is to lay under the covers, sleep and watch Tv shows. There is a place where I might go and I am not sure if I will, because I have already found myself a “project”. Like I always do when I struggle, I just find something that distract me from thinking about me and my. Because my head is kind a half full, half empty at the moment. I really do like living in the country side, it is beautiful, quiet and still. My days are filled with food, drinks and good people! Like I said I laugh, it is a nice thing to do and I like it. I do not feel free at the moment, and as I have been told it will be some time, maybe even years. I wish I could feel this feeling now, like in this instant moment, just now and just for a little while.
The feeling I had while I was at Oslo Hospital, with not fitting in, being misunderstood or alone has not changed. The medicine dosages are still the same, but I had a doctors appointment yesterday and they took my blood. Then we will see if the Lithium dosages are right or if they have to be increased. I really do not know who I am anymore, I have kind a lost track on the way. The red thin line that once was, is not here anymore. I feel that there is nothing left to do except for waiting, breathe and exhale. I wonder if I am doing it right or if there is another way to live this life? What will I make of myself, will I leave an impression or is it all just time spent?
I am always the one waiting for something, I wish it was my turn to be that something… It is time to expand and look for a world left behind, so I just breathe and keep calm…
Be bold and beautiful!