I would like to believe that I’m some what in control of my own life. But suddenly I’m brought back to reality by my “space-outs”. I don’t know where I drift because its like a trance state of mind.
“When you have faith in yourself you don’t need others to believe in you.”
This hits me as an reality when I went to see my eye doctor the other day. I was suppose to look into a machine and push a button every time I saw a blink. And I drifted, so she had to tell me to pull myself together. I didn’t notice, but after I explained about my bipolar she understood and helped me through the other eye. I freaked a little inside, because I thought that I had it all under control. I don’t know about how you feel, but I often feel uncomfortable in a lot of different social settings because of my illness. So I use an enormous amount of energy just to coop. And I would really want all of you “normal” people to get us.
I come through as clumsy from one time to another and I smile and try to keep it together, but truthfully I don’t have a clue what’s going on. So I build myself an imaginary boat and float away in to oblivion. Bringing the ones that are here for me and don’t judge people for being different. I feel lonely while standing in the middle of a crowded room, but do you see me being uncomfortable and stressed out or don’t you because of my facade smile? I often wonder… Can you see the true me if you got blindfolds on?
There is also an transitioning coming in the near future as I have my last weeks out here in the country side. Before I move back to the city with my sweet Ellisiv! So normally I feel a little stressed out. But in the end I think it all will turn out the way it’s supposed to.
My stress is related to me being misunderstood and it annoys me. Please don’t be so narrow-sighted, but be open for an alternative way. I spend my days trying to adapt, while others only think about themselves. Never have I understood this way of life. Why won’t you open your eyes, see it all and taking it in? I wonder if life will give the right amount of oomph or do I need to provide this myself. I feel a little helpless and useless..