Who am I?

There is a voice within me or to be completely honest, there are several and they all say different things to me. I have been feeling so lonely lately and wondering when will I shake this feeling..

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As I spend my days in the shade of TVShows, starting to think they all are about me and my life-ish. I don’t know if you other Bipolar feels the same or even has this thought. It is just that this has taken over my life and almost my everyday functioning. I don’t know if you know how this is or even if you ever take a moment to think about the life and everyday struggles that we meet. I can spend hours, days, weeks, months living in the “tv-world”. Just because it so hard to tell someone how much I struggle. My panic attacks are almost every day now, different settings, but almost every time with the fear of dying. This is really stressful and painful for me. I get exhausted and can hardly almost never recover completely. The worst part is when the panic attacks happens when I’m alone. As the other day, I’m not found of being alone. But I know it’s healthy, “be comfortable in your own company, don’t be afraid to be alone, because if you don’t love yourself…” I don’t like that saying very much as I’m one of those who doesn’t like to be alone, I don’t mind, but I would rather be two. I often get panic attacks when I’m alone. Sometimes it’s so bad that I almost doesn’t know what to do and I’m always ending up with heavy breathing and going outside. It takes a lot from me to recover myself, but there are a few tricks that I’ve use. Going for a walk often calms me down, but there is a problem when I’m not feeling so outdoorsy.. I’m mostly feeling like no one wants to know of me or to be around me. I hate this feeling, with it comes unworthiness, loneliness, anxiety and so on. I know that some of this is only in my head, but I’m still experiencing every day in a different way than most of you are..

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This is just one day out of my life and I’m trying to meet every day with a new outlook. But I also have this nervous side and as things race and twirl I can’t keep it back anymore. I just wish there where more of you that would talk to us instead of judging us because we’re different.. All we want is to be understood and not mistaken! I just have this weird feeling that I’m not “me”