I’ve moved back to the city again, left the little world behind where I’ve tried just to be me. Created with some of my favourite people who I dearly appreciate and love. If it wouldn’t have been for you, my life would be so much more complicated, thank you, Iben, for being here for me and you shown yourself worthy… I’m humbled and forever thankful! I moved in with my lovely friend Ellisiv, in this cozy apartment. We’re in the same boat, almost, so she gets me and I get her, less questions and no misunderstandings. Just trying to figure out how to live with them diagnoses. As the days and months just fly away I get a little afraid, maybe the time is up and no refills. Suddenly it’s September and I’m kind a lost, because what happen to the summer? I know there has been sun, but I haven’t been in the ocean at all this year… This make me a little sad. So I thought about a holiday to the sunny side of the globe.
I got a letter from my doctor, it said that I have low metabolism. Hoping this is something that passes and not stays, because one of my fears is gaining weight. Not comfortable with this, because this makes me pull out my bulimia from my sleeve… And I really don’t want this, but as I see it there aren’t any loopholes! I don’t have the control like I thought, I only control the one thing that’s my own decision and that’s the food. I’m sad and feeling lonely, because I want people to understand, not judge! I struggle with both Bipolar and BPD, this is truly really hell some days and hours. But I try… And when or if I fail I have this trick that only destroys me. I never wanted this to control my life, but I see that I’m worse and still putting on a mask for you. I wish I could say that I love myself, but I don’t. When I see myself in the mirror I can’t see me for me. I wish for a magic wand to remove this illness from the surface of this earth.
Trying not to let this overtake my world and everyday life, is really hard because I have this voice inside me telling me everything that is wrong with me. The hardest thing about these voices is that for me they sound so real and the picture is vivid like your 1080p screen! I wish for different or other days, but it’s hard trying to be another person that I really am, just to make everybody else happy. Do you put everybody before yourself? I’ve done this for far to long, so I don’t know how to change it around. I get this strange feeling and then comes the voices within. I don’t know what’s real anymore, it all feels like a mixture of Wonderland and the big bad wolf…
I’m humbled that you take time out from your busy days to read my thoughts ❤