A new year has started and the first weekend is here. Whats my plans, no there aren’t any definite plans… Maybe see some friends and dance.
Since last year I have yet again moved, only this time I did it right and moved alone. No roomies or so called “friends”. Having people in my life that triggers the bad and ugly isn’t something I will accept anymore. Due to the latest traitor I now have closed my “friendship” box as we speak. There will be no more “hand-me-outs” or free-rides here you dirty users. In time you will see and feel what this does to a person. I have made my own little world, or a bobble you might say. But I am happier now than I have been for a long time. I’m more at ease and feel safer in some weird way. I still struggle, but for every time I see it more clearer than ever before. I know that my Borderline Personality Disorder effects every aspect of my life. I feel what others feel and go through. I feel the pain and joy of actors on screen and my eyes tears up instantly. This is a weird thing, it is like my empathic sense is on a higher level or something weird sixth sense thing. It is not normal to be like this some of you think to yourselves… But what do you really know about mental illnesses or diagnosed people? There are many misjudged people, it is like being someones shadow. A shadow they don’t really want to have tangling along after them. On top of this I also have Bipolar in my luggage if some of you didn’t know.
It’s like that, only I take medications four times a day and it’s “only” 3 different and 4 different in case of…. It has made me more stable, but I lost my “highs” almost completely and I really don’t like it at all. Chasing the “highs” like its food for thought and oil for the body. Leaving an unwanted trail of uncertainty, unwanted behaviour, foolishness and spending sprees. I feel lost, ugly, fat, smelly, lazy, unwanted, gross, misplaced, sick, weak, like a failure and not human at all. These states are disturbing, not only for us but also for our friends, family, relatives, co-workers and fellow students. I have lost friends, loved ones, some family, failed at work, had troubles with studying and life as well. There are not any guidance how to live your life with these diagnoses, for every single one of us it is different and our lives intervene and twine themselves around something bigger and also invisible. It is not easy to live with me, but I have only good intentions, yes I tell stories that hasn’t happened sometimes, but I remember them as they where my own. The feeling inside, smells, people, how it looks like and everything. And suddenly I am hit with, that did not happen to you. Like i said, things are a little clearer now. It is like one layer from the onion is peeled off. But still, when I look in the mirror it is like there is someone else looking back at me…
So please don’t judge people by their looks, it is not a mirror of how a person is. Take care of each other and smile!