The dark side of me


Im guessing some of you know a lot about me now, but there are still a few secrets and stories to tell. I just started a page on Facebook, anybrydebipolarbpd, stop by and like, comment, read, ask questions or just to support. I’m open, honest and me. It’s hard trying to be someone or something you aren’t, so after 20 something years of pretending I broke my circle and decided to start doing what I’m supposed to do. I know that some of you don’t understand that, but inside there’s a force and something boiling under the surface. I “always” known that I was supposed to help people and write, so when I got my head straight and saw that I can actually use my own experiences to inform and let the world in on my life I didn’t doubt. I know there are a lot of tabu and stigma around these themes and illnesses, but it’s actually 2014 and we should be openminded enough to understand this now. With the Bipolar Disorder there are a lot to tackle, but there are also a really good system if you do what your doctor, therapist, psychiatrists and group therapies tell you to do. I knew I always was the kind of girl that always did the opposite of what everybody told me and now I know why. This explains so much and make life easier for me and everyone thats involved. 

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I have been to an assessment conversation for a stabilisation group and I’m going back for another tomorrow. Also going for an assessment conversation for a Bipolar group in February. That I really look forward to, because I will meet others and learn a lot more about myself and this diagnose. I also hope this will give enough insight for you who don’t struggle with mental illness and hardly knows about this. I have lost a lot in my life because of this, but I have also gain so much perspective, learned more about humans and how to be. In my heart there is a big black hole for every person that has died, but the love and memories are vivid as fuck! I can feel them around me! I lost family members, an aunt, my dad, my pretend grandma, my grandma, a boyfriend and friends – R.I.P ❤ you are always in my heart now and forever. I have been through hell and back again, still I came out all-right I guess. And a lot of the things that has happened, I choose to keep secret because I know that people don’t know what to say when you talk about death. For you who don’t know what to answer, just be there for them, tell them you can go to the funeral and just hold them tight. Show your love to the ones you care about and smile to the rest of them. I haven’t gotten to the part on how to go back in time and go through these traumatic accidents/happenings or how to handle this but I will soon when the groups start. I hope…

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Last night I had to cut down my toenails because I rip den off, its one of my self harming things. When I was hospitalized I didn’t get to keep scissors, tweezers or anything sharp in my room. I had to ask for them and then give them back after I was done. I also had to cut down my nails since I also used them to tear my skin on the neck, the skin around finger nails, make myself throw up and deny myself food. I’m trying to control these urges, but it’s not easy because it has become a habit for me and it sucks. I have friends who struggle with anorexia/bulimia, depression, BPD, bipolar 1 & 2 and a lot of them also do self harm, but most of them are cutters and most people do that. I’m 32 and don’t have any control, or actually I have gain control over my economics after I moved by myself almost… When I see this is writing I really don’t want to share this, but the scars and the pain inside makes it easier not to do it when people knows about it. Some people cut themselves, I do those things and tattoos as well. Tattoos are probably not in the group, but still it gives a satisfaction and it last for hours because it takes a few hours to get them done. At least mine does! 

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I also bought a ticket to Thailand, going in March, seeing old friends and make new memories. I’m super excited and it’s just a little over a month until I leave!

Much love Anybryde

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