It’s still fucking hard…


It’s still fucking hard to eat all the food on the plate! But I’m taking bulimia by the horn by eating out instead of inside my own home… It’s harder to purge or to binge when I’m in public. But still my stomach fills itself up so fast… I know that I probably hurt some of you by telling the truth about this, but its time now and I don’t want to suffer or hide this anymore. And the only way I know how is to write, share and be open and honest about everything. So I’m sorry for the pain this makes you feel. I just need to get it out, I want to be able to live now and not in the past or future. My future isn’t certain and I’m pretty exhausted and tired of pretending to be all right. All this makes me feeling so badly, lonely and unwanted. I know it’s all in my head, or at least I hope it is. But I don’t know how to deal with it all. I miss my highs and the crying isn’t making this easier. I have been crying every night for over a week now and I can’t control it. Do you feel lonely?

responsibility

After I started my page on Facebook I have gotten some feedback and a lot of likes. Just keep on posting and writing me. I will answer your question and help you the best way I know and can. There aren’t any  judgement or wrong way to be, it’s just the way the story goes sometimes. Living life with someone on their conditions isn’t a life, its entrapment. Taking control and putting your foot down is something we all need to learn how to do. There are so many people that only care about themselves and that all they will do for the rest of their sucky sorry lives. Rocking the boat, trying to change a person is almost impossible and if you let someone manipulate you it will end badly. Like it did with one of my x’s. He abused me both physical and psychic. He hit me, threw cold water over me, threw me around on the floor, threw garbage cans on me and so on. He called me names, gave me expensive gifts to manipulate me into loving him and to twist my brain into thinking it was my fault. I spent almost three years inside my own bedroom after that. Not knowing why I was so sad and depressed. But as I look back on my life now, I clearly see who’s fault that was and I wished I had gone to the police with it… But as always, I was the nice one and said that I didn’t want to ruin his life. But he kind of ruined mine! I have forgiven, but not forgotten him now. I don’t carry any blame or anger towards him, I just don’t want this to happen to someone else! You know very well who you are! This is just to try to knock som sense into you…

if you love

My life has a meaning now after I started telling anyone about my writing and life. Being honest and open is really something that seems to work really well for me and I’m lucky to have family and friends that support me. I see it now, even when I feel that no one cares. It’s just so hard to admit to people I care about and love. My family for example, I work so hard not to break down every day and I wish you could see whats inside my head. Since there aren’t any others with these illnesses or diagnoses in my family I know you try to understand. I love you all unconditionally and hope this doesn’t scare you. I know my mom has asked about some of this or maybe all of this in my teenage years, but I was to unstable to admit anything or to wild to care. But as the years went by and I grew older I saw that I really had problems and that it was serious. So I’m really working my ass off to get my life in order. The medicines, hospital and all the therapy helps me, but I know I have to do a lot of work myself. But I still need my friends and family to get through this. 

love someone

love my mom

Much Love Anybryde X

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