I want my thoughts to run free, but there are something blocking the way like the biggest red light in the universe and it will never turn green. I’m nervous and anxious because of everything that is going on. I don’t know how people will react or if they will. I’m wondering about what you, my friends and family will say. It’s easy to say you got my back, before the shit hits the fan. But if you can weather the storm with me, that will prove your loyalty and honesty. I’m tired, exhausted and anxious because of one person… It doesn’t feel right to be afraid of your ex does it? But when you fear f0r your own life or whatever comes to mind its never safe. Unsafe is something I have been for four years now, the unbearable stress and anxiety. I afraid everywhere I am. But I’m lucky because I have my good friend staying with because of work out side of Oslo, on my side of town. I feel safer knowing he will come home after work every day. It’s really easy getting used to! I know I have said this a lot, but this ones, he is for real! I haven’t had a friend like you in years. The one that I slowly feel I can be my weird self around, without feeling that I am being judge for everything I say or what I do. It’s hard for me to find the words that you are worthy. You saved me from many situations and when I look back on my life there aren’t many people who would risk something for me in the way you have done. I’m humble, forever thankful, will always be here for you and love you forever.
I don’t need many people in my life, but I now have my inner circle found out I guess. I have misjudged people and taken their smiles for friendliness, but in the end they shown themselves to be the opposite. Why is it that sometimes I am the worst at people skills and never really wants to go outside my own apartment? I feel like I have all this “time” but in reality I can’t even handle one appointment a week. My mind and body aches, you’re not going outside today. So I spend my time inside, writing, listening to music, spacing, thinking and so on. Nowadays I have these horrible panic-attacks and anxiety. But soon I will get some air between all this and then I might me able to relax… But this case is not just sweating the small stuff, it’s huge and the reality of it could be severe. It’s something that will hit you in the face, not knowing what really hit you. Did I suddenly strike back, am I stronger now than then or is it just my anxiety and fear taking over and making a stand? I know you wonder, I do, I wonder how this destroys my life after four years. My body doesn’t feel like mine anymore, I feel unsure, sad, angry, anxious, fat, ugly, wrong, bad, small, worse and sick to my stomach. And when I look at myself in the mirror its like there’s a kid looking back saying; ‘How could you let them hurt you like that?’
At least one time every day I sit alone crying, because it feels so wrong to show my sadness to the world and I feel guilty for everything, worthless and lonely. Will my heart ever heal?