It has been some time, I haven’t been feeling all that lately. The world is trembling around me as I speak and everything seems to end up in this big black hole. There has been days where I just sat inside my apartment. The “safe” place, but still it’s not. It’s freakishly exhausting checking every sound, in the hall way, outside my window and pausing what I’m looking at just to listen…
Some times I feel so alone, like there aren’t anyone that I can call or confess to. I have this one friend, she’s a good friend but a little to self involved at times. Comparing our life situations. I’m tired, the only thing I want to do is sleep, endlessly darkness, not waking up in anxiety because I don’t remember where I am. And I get this feeling that I’m misplaced and can’t find my way back to whatever waits for me.
I miss the simpler times where everything was great as long as we had a park, beers, wine and BBQ… Will this come back? Will I find myself in Thailand again, is this my destiny or am I just escaping my fears and deep dark secrets… Also there are this feeling of love and longing after another person. Is this the real love that I solely believe in and put my heart out on my sleeve for? There are so many things in my life that tells me that we’re getting closer than we were. I feel you thinking of me when I’m not around as I also catch myself noticing things and stuff you like. It’s been a while since my heart sincerely open up and let someone inside. Of course I don’t know how the man in this situation think about this and I’m not so sure that I will. Talking about how you don’t want a girlfriend isn’t exactly what a women wants to hear. But I still wait, because the friendship is real and even though I have deep feelings for him I do appreciate our friendship and would never do something to jeopardize that bound.
But what is it that I miss, what is it that I don’t have to offer? Is it the mental illness? That doesn’t define me as a person, it’s something that I just have to cope and live with daily. We have so much to offer, never judge a person because of diagnoses. I have this thought in my head, people don’t want to marry us because of ours “bad” genes. It hurts when I think of this and my heart feels empty. Like the panic attacks I been having rapidly these last weeks. I don’t know how to be me anymore, I’m sick of doing it all by myself! Who will hold my head when I cry….
It’s not that we are all broken, we are just differently wind than others and our mind has it own life. Thank you for reading and following me, you inspire me. I hope that this will help you or others that you know. My mind is all over the place for the moment and I have a really hard time focusing and divide stories… So I leave you with a bit of low and unsafe feeling that I can’t describe, but it’s hard struggling and it gets so lonely…