Back to Bangkok for a few, doing some ginger shots and other fruits and vegetables. Bangkok is a city that has grown on me, from the first time I was here in 2000 and till now. I have fallen in love with this city, yes some of you might think the smell, sewage, exhaust and food all together will be bad. But this is Bangkok, a city where dreams come true and life goes on. There are many homeless people and kids, in my heart this makes me so sad and I WANT to do something for kids that doesn’t have anybody. I wish for kids to have love in their life from day one.
I am from another world myself so I can relate. The years have passed and when people asks me where I’m from I always answer “Korea, but live in Norway”. In my heart and soul I feel asian and I keep wondering if I should do something about it… My mental state is more stable though I have to admit that I really hate my body right now, I have gained another 5 kilo, so almost 15 kilo. This makes me so sick to my stomach and it is constantly on and in my mind. Nevertheless I try yo not fall back into bad habits. It’s easy and there aren’t anyone who pays attention. I get full real fast and never eat up my food, so I’m not an overeater. I have actually never felt worse about my body that I do now, still “missing my face”. I feel like an ugly, fat, repulsing person. I try and fight so hard everyday for not breaking, staying alive, cope and just getting through the days.
I keep telling people I this problem in my brain, but I feel like there is no one understanding me or my situation. Yes, I’m out and about. But emotionally drained and this is something I do for only ME, i haven’t done anything like that in ages. I always prioritise other people before myself and it has never given me anything in return. It feels like I now whom my friends are, at least I know whom to trust… Still get burned though, but more caring, less sharing. I also realize that I’m not supposed to live the materialistic lifestyle, I don’t need it. I always meet these amazing people, with different stories or living their own dream. As a writer I know I just have to keep on writing, hoping someday in the future I can help someone who sits alone in his or her room wondering why it seems like everything is wrong with you.
Actually I can admit that there are more assholes than good people out there. It could be that I have some saying in it, because of my naivety and gullible. I’m keeping them, because they are a part of who I am and I don’t want to miss out on things in life because others tells me not to. But I try to be more careful now. Or at lest I like to believe so myself. My life isn’t over, I just got the motor going. I took a decision based on me and only me. My diagnoses speaks for themselves and bad people will be punished!