Letting go is not easy, but they tell me to get on with my life I have to. I don’t agree completely in this. It’s hard to let the people I love go. I’m afraid they never want to come back. But I know that thats the only true love that is in this world. Let people be free. I would never like to be tied down by rules a regulations. But I wouldn’t mind to have someone. And when the time passes I see the people in my life. I’m still the one that over share, even though I know I shouldn’t. Inside myself there are more, different personalities that take over. They don’t have names, but when I think back I have changed my name more times than anyone I know. I’m now under assessment for Dissociative Identity Disorder.
I always felt I’m not alone in my own body and I know there are characters that come out from time to time. But sometimes they protect me and sometimes they work against me. But the ones that help me to get things done are actually likeable and I need them. But there are others that really messes with my brain and body. The suicide thought and that I am not wanted is always here. Every day is a battle to not, but I know that thats not a solution and I’m trying not to act on it. But I want to disappear, be invisible or be fucking amazing. I had a bad night yesterday, because of some idiotic people, I froze, problems with my sleep and threw up during the night. Spent a couple of hours awake before I took my valium and seroquel. They don’t help that much and I want to quit them, they have given me 15 extra kilo, I HATE it! I feel so ugly and I want to cut myself, this is something I don’t do. I self harm, but have other methods. Pulling out my hair, tear off my toenails, rip off skin and so on… But now my mind is fucked to the end of my limits. Just because my brain repeats itself. Right now I hate myself and want to end it all. I’m tired, nauseous and my stomach is acting becuase of the internal stress from trigger things.
Who has the power to make this all go away. Yes, I know I’m out traveling, but my break it’s not because of that. It’s almost always people that do this “to” me. Because I feel everything that you feel! My body goes into defense and shuts completely down. I have troubles with speaking, listening, concentrating and seeing. I want to throw the people in the gutter and jump on them! Wish those people just stayed away from everything and got their own little country where they can torment each other.
Then there are Roy, my friend in Bangkok who wants a quote, so here: “you now have a quote my good man”. He makes my days easier and keeps me smiling. It’s helpful and good for me with the good energy he has in his aura. So I’m still hanging in Bangkok and loving it.