Spring… or Am I Running?

I’m back in Norway, it’s a little weird being back here. But I’ve missed my friends and are so happy to see them again. I have been feeling depressed and tired these last days. So I have stayed inside while the sun is shining and the temperature is over 30 celsius. That is not normal! I miss my friends and the people I met in Thailand, I love you dearly and forever! To be back here where I’m nervous and afraid, lost myself again because there is no room for craziness or being different here. I feel like I’m always on display, have to explain things and say sorry for being me.

My soul felt more whole in Thailand, I also felt a little more of my old self came back. But when I came back here something happened and hello depression. I’m back to therapy and feeling every single feeling impact me more and more. My life made more sense, as well as my dreams. But the positive thing is that I met people I know I will see again and that should be a reminder. “I’m not unwelcome, some people do actually like me”. There is a bigger meaning to my life, at least I can show you in words how it is to live with an invisible illness, like Mental Illness. There are still a lot I can’t explain, but I’m trying as hard as I possibly can. It’s easy to sit and smile like everything is good, but when my mouth shakes I really don’t know what to do. This world filled with fantasy, magic, voices, hallucinations, tears, depression, mania, sleepless night, tiredness and just not being okay at all is exhausting. And sometimes I feel so alone, wondering if this is all a dream or if it was really real…

Looking back at my trip I’m happy that I did it. It frees my mind when I travel and this time it was all for me, not because someone forced me to do things I don’t want to and sugarcoat it with gifts and fancy hotels. The hurtful X that destroyed me and my life is still haunting me. Like the black hole that sucks the life forced out of me, with ugly words and physical abuse. But hopefully my future is brighter and will bring joy and happiness to my life. Nevertheless gives me the strength to go all the way and fight for my recovery and peace in my soul.

The spring has arrived here in Oslo, hope it will continue to spring through wards summer with sunshine and warmer days. And before I know it, I might be somewhere else soon. Seeing people and changing my future towards what I want in my life. So lets be hopeful and optimistic!