Pain, is it really gain… ?

It has been a long time since I have rapid cycling so fast in my brain as I am now. It has been years, since this has happened and I hate that it turns everything around on me. I worry about things I cannot control, make up stories that I truly believe and some of them has never happened. But when you have been hurt by people you love enough times, it takes a toll on you. I got a huge problem in believing in people, because of all the lies and shit that has been thrown my way. I fucking hate life some times, but still loving the pain. I believe that pain is a part of life, but it shouldn’t be, should it?


I have a lot to be thankful for, but its hard to remember that from time to time. I have this feeling of emptiness, worthlessness, and not being enough for the people around me. So I withdraw, sit in my apartment, escaping into my own black hole and staying inside for days and days. Even when the sun is shining and the birds are singing. But my heart is big and I have so much love to give. So why judge me? Why don’t get to know the real me, instead of thinking I am an extension of you. A lot of you don’t even know what I love to do, because you are too involved in your stuff and believe that I am the same person. Hell no, I am not! Why project your life on me and then say that I wanted it this way? I never, all I want is to don’t be stressed or misunderstood. My life is not near to what some of you say and some of my relationships has been just because of the other person. Because I am a little afraid to say no and I felt sorry for them in that moment. The few people I have really loved, I can count them on one hand. So why spend so much time on the people I don’t like, I just don’t want others to make the same mistakes. Or at least, get out earlier than I did.


I am working so hard, it feels like all I do and no one notice or know because I am to afraid to show my emotions. I am looking forward to the man that comes soon. Can’t hardly wait and wants it to be yesterday. The hearts want! 


I see how I withdraw myself, so people want be afflicted because of my mood. I am terrified and everything feels uncertain, I feel that my life is trembling and the way out is blocked. That is the worst thing about this illness, the feeling of loneliness and when I am actually alone. I wished that you knew and that the only thing I want is for you to help me and throw the loneliness out the window. When I watch people, TV shows and so on, I see how people interact and that they truly share their lives with others in an open and honest way. The thing is that I don’t think my thoughts are worth anything, this contradicts what I do, but I am split in to two pieces. But the only way to show how we live, is to share the weirdness and craziness with everybody. Please, do a search, educate yourselves and then come back to me. It’s not a visible illness, so we look okay, but on the inside its all a fucking mess…