Summer is here for real it feels like. Almost to warm to stay outside. The sun is shining down on us humans like never before up north! Leaving the streets, cafés, beaches and island full of people. Should probably be one of them myself, but there’s a inner voice telling me “you’re not good enough!” The feeling of emptiness surrounds me, I can’t control it anymore. Tears running down my face… Why me?
I don’t know why I feel so lonely these days. I got friends, family and a great man. But it’s hard to exist in a world where judging people is a sport! And then there are the people who doesn’t understand this state of mind, it’s all in my head and it’s so hard to put it down in words. So from time to time I really doubt it all, life, why and can I do this? On my inside I just want to disappear and never come back… Would someone notice..if I just packed my stuff and left this world behind? Is it a solution to my problems or maybe it is time to relocate… There will always be someone who judge us, as long as there’s no informative info or people whom fight for us invisible people.
They opened the discussion for heroin addicts, legalizing marihuana debate, baby’s born with Down’s syndrome (is it ok to have an abortion because of this illness..) etc in the newspapers here in Norway. We are all humans and have the right to exist on the same base as you so called “normal” people! So the next step now should be mental illness, educate, learn, open up your eyes and see your child. When I was a kid I had this psychologist whom should have picked up on my diagnoses. Instead she gave me a good reason not to trust people. She promised me that she would come see my concerts with the school band, but never showed and that’s when the trust issues really started. I probably had some of them from school, but those wore kids and it’s the parents and teachers job to learn them manners!
I feel helpless these days and all I do is wish for better days, new energy and strength to get through the days.. I’m exhausted and afraid to show my real feelings. Its so much easier saying; “I’m fine..” But I’m far from fine, further than you would think and I dont want to be here anymore!