There is a few things we all take for granted, like our friends, family, lovers, kids, neighbours, strangers and earth. When did we get so egoistic and pessimistic? I’m what they call an optimist, but it’s starting to get harder and harder keeping it up by myself. The fighting and struggling I have to go through every day just to fall back to sleep. Will it ever end? My diagnoses doesn’t make me a different person, but it sure makes me doubt myself. And I don’t want to be a burden for people in my life. But I need you here. When I stay in my cave to long I get the freakiest thoughts and stuff I want to do, but can’t.
When you have a person in your life, like me, with more than one diagnose, suffering from mental illness. It’s really offending to us when you say, ‘it’s all in your head, just stop it!’ When you can function in your daily life, work, have control and no real problems… Not saying,”normal” people don’t struggle, but it’s completely different from our problems. In my head the words that spin are, do you really want to live, is it worth it, you are not worth it and why to you even bother. No one would even notice if you died or come to your funeral. This black side is frightening for the people that are close to us. A lot of you don’t even know that those words repeat themselves all day, every day. Even when we’re with friends, family, work, lovers etc… When we’re smiling it is a mask for the audience to pretend that we’re “just fine”. There is a few personalities that I can’t control, they’re the ones that convince me all of this is the truth and the story of my life. Battling the self harming is not easy, because there is a personality that use it to control me. And it takes me in these dark places, where I contemplate death before life, whats real or whats fake, are everybody lying to me and why do people stay away… I’m guessing this is hard to read for people who don’t understand, but you have to see all sides of me.
I’m opening up so you who don’t understand can get some clue or maybe it opens up someones eyes. I have always struggled, but I’m still alive at 32. I get depressed when I read that I have to learn how to cope with it all, while taking medicine and that it can’t be cured. So doing this alone is hard! I need support and people in my life that always tell me the truth. It’s also important because I’m doubting myself so much. And I have never spoken of this. I hate that I pretend that it’s all good and put on a smile, instead of being honest. But I’m afraid of loosing you if you see this side. I don’t want to show my emotions, it breaks me into million of pieces. I just want to be remembered as the happy one that loved with all she got and then some!
I give my all to the people whom I love, but some have also hurt me and crushed on my heart and soul. So if you’re offended with my writing, you should probably take a good look in the mirror and change that side. Do something for someone who needs help, be unselfish and smile to the people you meet in your life!