There has been a while since I last wrote and updated you on my life. I had a bad period, with self harming, ending up sitting inside for almost two weeks. I tear my skin and make this huge marks in my face, on legs, arms and ingrown hair. There’s also the tearing off nails, but I found out that if I wear nail polish I rarely touch them. So I haven’t really been much or feeling good about myself at all lately. It’s also the starving happening when my mind is blocked. I get these conspiracy thoughts and believe them as they were stories told to me. When you believe that everybody is out after you, using you or just want you to do stuff for them its hard to see real friends in between. Self harming is a huge part of my everyday, I’m not a cutter like a lot of others are, but I fuck up my face! I would rather have scars on my legs. But I also kind of switched cutting into tattoos instead. Its decorative and cool to look at. The pain I feel when I get tattooed is good, see if I can last longer than last time. Can I do a bigger one, a more painful placement? When can I do my next one? These question are unstoppable in my brain and gets me looking for inspiration everywhere I go.
The feeling is indescribable, it’s a mix between pleasure, guilt, pain, satisfaction, calming in some weird way and makes me feel really bad about myself. All of you who self harm knows what I’m talking about, there is no reason or receipt for when, how, why, its all just something I have to do to get through the days in my life. Using my eating disorder (ED) as a punishment when I have done things that my mind think is wrong. I’m really don’t sure why, because it happens all the time. There is a voice in my head telling me your too fat to go to the store, beach, friends house, have visitors and so on. So I starve myself from time to time! I don’t recommend this to anyone. Let me say I have had bulimia for so long that sometimes I throw up just by bending over the toilet. Guessing this will follow me throughout my life. As well as for my diagnoses. But is really important for me to emphasise that I’m not my illnesses or diagnoses, I’m still me, just deep down and maybe underground. When my depression is at it’s worst I don’t even shower, eat, go to the store or move at all. I just spend the days laying on the sofa wishing I was asleep. I hate myself for alienating my friends and family when I am at my lowest.
Then you have all the memories that I think and believe is from my life, but apparently aren’t. How is that possible? Are there others that go through this? The worst is the feeling when I feel that there are too much wrong, too many flaws and too many diagnoses when I’m trying to talk to about it. I just want to break down, cry, pull my hair out, tear my nails off and end it with a “fuck you” to the world! This feeling fills me up with a black dark side that is really self destructive. But how can I cope or manage these feelings when people I thought were here for me no matter what, don’t want to listen or try to understand me and everything that goes on inside. I hate being misunderstood or feeling being like a burden to my family and friends. Sometimes I feel bad for even being alive and I know this is not what you normally talk or write about, but I don’t want others to feel alone or go through difficult times without having someone to talk to, that understand and care.
This is a dark post and my mood is off, but there are one person who can make me smile even though he is on the other side of the world! I miss you…