I keep thinking why and when it all started. Looking back on my childhood there is not much I remember, or correction, they are not all my memories. It frightens me a little, because it seems to follow me in to adulthood as well. I have blackouts, I don’t have any other words to describe it, but sometimes I lose whole days or nights. This makes sense when you look at the dissociative side but the depression that comes with it is overwhelming. I’m tired, exhausted, crying, having dark thoughts and lose myself inside this imaginary world where everything is close to perfect. I think this is because I think that people always are talking about me behind my back, maybe I’m being paranoid, but I hear every single word inside my head, the emotions are almost unbearable because I feel so much and also take in the emotions from every person. They expect certain things, goals that I should have reached. And I haven’t fulfilled any of them. That makes me feel like a failure, always covering it up with a smile on my face. I’m tired of pretending, how do I do this on my own?
I wish there was a cocktail perfect for chemical unbalances, but for now this is a dream. All the medication makes it somehow boring to live sometimes. Sometimes I just want to go crazy, without having a panic attack and ending up going home because of migraine from the lights or sound. I wonder why it happens. So isolation is a real thing and a part of my life, its to much sometimes. Handling all this alone, without feeling that I can be real with anybody. There are things that I do that will be kept a secret for now, but the shame and the conspiracies inside are so real. I feel lost, but where is the knight in shining armour, I wonder for myself… While I everyday go through this anxiety of dying, afraid that my breath will suddenly stop for no reason and no one will find me for days… At the same moment I fight hard for staying alive every day, sleep is freedom, like a break from all this, but then I have the vivid dreams, that is still so real and make me question myself. Maybe thats my others personas out playing? How can I get in touch with the inner of myself when I don’t even know which one is real yet…?
Writing let my mind in peace, but around me there is a lot of sounds, music, a movie rolling, traffic and doors slamming. I need the sounds to be in tuned and to stay focused. Weird, but it has always been like this. Never can I just do one thing at the time. I think thats the child in me and the observatory, because there is one that is so afraid of missing something that I feel like two persons all the time.I think the medicine keeps me from talking to much, but it doesn’t turn off the brain at all. I don’t get angry anymore, but that is because I deleted people from my life, its healthy for you, everyone should take out a rinse! I miss me, don’t know where I have gone and hidden myself for years…
There are so many layers, doubts inside my head, questioning everything, always being nervous and anxious. I feel that there’s something twitching in my face, spasms like feelings and my hands are shaking uncontrollable. For me these things are always twirling around inside my head. For example I don’t like public transportation because of the staring, it makes me really uncomfortable. But the irony is that lately I have been getting a lot of compliments from men I don’t know. Saying I am the most beautiful women they have seen… I believe that they are after me in some way, playing pranks or whatever. It’s a huge problem when you don’t believe whats been told, because the thought twisting is so dark and negative. Someday I hope for clear eyes, seeing what other people see. Instead I have this dark thick fog hanging around me all the time. But I’m trying to turn this around, slowly I can feel the depression sneaking up on me while I use my last energy for socializing with good, loveable friends…
Thank you for reading and following me, humbled!