Have you ever wanted to just take off, don’t tell anyone, not even your closest friends or family and wondered about how long it would take them to find out that you’re actually “missing”? I really don’t know why I’m still here in Oslo, whats really in it for me? Yeah, okay you have my friends who I love to death, family, but thats it and thats also the case. I should be able to be happy and not be ashamed or feel guilty. Life is so much more than pleasing others that don’t deserve it. The thing is that I want to be with someone who makes me smile, laugh, be my crazy self and just wants to be with me. Not to much to ask for is it? But hey, there’s no complaint here, I’m just putting it out there! And hopefully soon I can lay in your arms…
I’m still off and feeling down, its kind a wearing me out. I’m back on Cipralex 10 mg a day, anti-depressive pills. The effect isn’t quite there or here yet, but hoping it will lift me up soon. I hate getting panic attacks, the worst is in public, because I don’t know how to handle it. And it leaves me paranoid, I feel everybody is talking shit behind my back. I hear the voices, words, feel the feeling they sit with and no one knows. No one knows how deep this emotional personality disorder goes, but I’m guessing after some experience now, it goes too deep for me to handle from time to time. Especially when I meet new people, I’m bad at coffee talk. I prefer jokes, real conversations, lip syncing people and analyzing them. And they all look so happy, but I wonder, are they really happy for real or just for show? I have been unhappy a lot, actually too much, so I’m trying to take back control over my own soul. But I’m shattered from the past I have been through, its hard, but I have become a hell of a good “actor”. But also just being good, smiling and friendly works. I think that you should always treat people how you want them to treat you, no ifs or buts with sugar and nuts!
And then there is you, my partner in crime, I miss you! Hopefully I will see you soon and then some of my worries goes away too I hope. It is a good thing that I am patient, maybe too much, but hey! Rome wasn’t built in one day! There has also been some time since I last wrote, the down period has been too much to handle for the time being and too long this time. Still going on, but hopefully the Cipralex will kick in next week. One thing about living alone, it gets lonely, no matter what people say. As for me, I can go days without talking to anyone, just me isolating myself in my apartment and not even going to the grocery store. Doing my self-harming and punishment because of the lack of productivity, or if the young voice tells me I have eaten too much, forget important things like hygiene, brushing my teeth, eating candy, occasionally I have been throwing up, but lately that has flourished into not allowing myself food, so someway starving occasionally and I make these scars on my skin, tearing and tweezing. But I am also handling it, in my own way, step by step. But I have done this alone for too long now and I’m getting tired and depressed.
I just need you to know that you are not alone in this, we are millions who suffer from a variety of different Diagnoses. We all have our way to cope and deal with the problems that flushes out from a PTSD, or when I’m hearing voices inside my head, when I feel other peoples emotions, when I’m depressed, when I get my panic attacks, manic etc… But I will admit that I do feel lonely and sometimes I wish there was a manual. Hopefully this will change when I get in to the courses, Dissociative Identity Disorder and Bipolar at this clinic, Modum Bad, in Oslo. But I don’t know when that happens. I’m just glad my iron mask finally broke down, that I finally got the help, treatments, medicines, diagnoses to explain why, how and where. Still there’s a long road ahead, I have to learn how to live with this and live a life that is supposed to be near normal, but I want to live my life, write, travel, maybe do talks or groups, a web shop and I have tried living like a “normal” person for almost my whole life and I have not succeeded in that department. But there is an inspiring scenario, lets see how it all plays out!