I feel I have to write more and more now, so you will get updates and can ask me questions if you want. Nevertheless, life is precious and dreams really come true. I have been depressed for a long time, we’re talking months! Yes it could be that missing my love has a little or a “lottle” to do with it. But now its only one week till we’ll be together again. We’re meeting in Venice, he’s from Vancouver/BC, we met in Chiang Mai in April this year. I was there in May and he’s amazing! Tomorrow he will be 40 and I wish I was there to celebrate him, but we will do it right in Venice! So I’m good for now. Really, I don’t know if it’s the trip, Gord or Cipralex. But a mix of all three is probably it! And the man hasThese diagnoses isn’t me, but they control a lot of my life and I could never get by without medicine or treatment. I’m better now than a couple of years ago, much better! I’m a little surprised that I didn’t collapse earlier. The thing is when you hide everything for everyone its just waiting to hit the surface. My whole life I have known something was up, I have never felt “normal” or a part of the “gang”.
So as I grew older I got more and more isolated, not taking contact with my friends or family for days and weeks. My life seemed so unworthy and unimportant. And at the same time I found myself in a lot of bad relationships or relations. I used drugs to escape and feel normal-ish, I thought I was invisible and invincible. I used my bulimia to control the bad in me by punishing myself with throwing up from 10-20 times every single day from 15 to 26 almost. For now bulimia has its own mechanism on me, from time to time it just happens without putting my fingers down the throat! But after a huge dentist bill I really had to get it under control, so in my brain that means fasting instead of throwing up. I have been hiding this for so long, some of you probably knew or suspicious. Self harming isn’t only cutting, it’s what you do to hurt yourself because you think you deserve it. I’m 32 now and still do this.. I have it on my list to fix, but it’s pretty far down. But I’m really trying not to, so the one trick that works for me is to eat in public. So I try, I smile, I am friendly and try to treat everyone as we are the same.
These diagnoses seldom come alone, but we are getting better at handling it and there are no visible signs if you don’t know where to actually look. We smile so the world don’t see our broken souls…