It’s fall, here I notice that by all of my favorite TV-shows starting up again. As I live my life and trying to keep it all together in front of everyone, I’m still trying to do what’s best for me. But sometimes it is really hard and the struggle alone is unbearable. There is so much wrong with this country we live in, but the people who support this system are the one that are wrong. Why should we who suffer from diseases, mental illness, physical disabilities and so on be the one thats are punished? We pay the same tax as people who earn the most in this country. I can’t help but wonder, are we not worth anything in your eyes?
Now that that is said, we are the one who struggles everyday, to keep up appearance, smile, try to help others and spend all our income on treatments, rent and food. Yes we do splurge, but that is completely without control. We self harm, hide, pretend, starve ourselves, love unconditionally, break down, build ourselves up again, spend money we don’t have, shout out suddenly, interrupt, can be manic, depressed, lonely and too sociable. We are so much more that what you see on the outside. Under the smile, there are scars that never heals, a voice that just wants to be heard and we are all looking for love. Sometimes in the wrong places. But when you come to that place in life where you finally dare to open up to psychiatrist, doctors, family and friends. Everything changes. It’s still hard, because I know in my heart and soul that I can be too much from time to time. When you have insight and intelligence its not easy with these diagnoses. You are always aware of everything, not in the exact moment, but straight after. It’s like a thunder storm on the inside, a sad, but still a hopeless happy feeling that I can’t describe in words. But if you are as lucky as I am, having a man, family, friends who understands, don’t have the same illnesses, it’s a blessing. They laugh with you, not at you, they bring you joy, not sadness, they listen, don’t talk down to you, acknowledge the intelligence and what you are capable of instead of just what you do wrong. I love you all so much, you don’t not even know how much. I would do anything for the supporting people in my life!
Of course I feel misplaced still, but the feeling of not being good enough because I sometimes only have me to offer when I’m around you is slowly fading away. It fades away with the love from you, the love that tells you to never change, to be the person you’re supposed to be. Not to be a stick figure or perfect at all times, but a soul, with a loving heart and a beautiful soul! Just the way you are. We have spent most of our lives trying to impress others, pleasing people who abused us and filling our lives with negativity. It has turned,we do now see the truth for what it is. You don’t get endesly chances with us anymore. There are one, two and three strikes out!
It’s October and my dad died six years ago, I miss him everyday and the last three months of the year are always heavier to bear than the first of them. You are always in my heart and soul, there never goes a day where I don’t think of you or all the other loved ones I have lost! Hope you are together and in peace! And least, but last to you my beautiful readers, you keep me going, trying to give you a peek view of what’s going on and how my brain lives it own life!