It would have been my dads 68th birthday today, but he passed away from cancer six years ago and I miss him every day. He is always on my mind and I would give a lot to have him back or just to have one last conversation with him again. There is so much I want to tell him. My life has changed and so has I at least a little I think. I finally got to go on a cruise and with a real man that knows how to treat me right. I found out what’s more important for me, my values, point of views, how much I should accept from another person and where I should draw my line. Hopefully soon when I believe that I am enough and that I don’t need to be more than a good person spreading positive vibes and leaving a mark on the world that someone someday might can use for something good. I would love to share it all with you, because I have been through so much you won’t even believe half of it, but I will gladly share with you all. But you already knew that, at least some of you.
I have to say, again, I’m so humble that there are so many of your reading what I write and you are from all over the world! I love it and you! You are growing and that gives me so much more than you can ever imagine. I write for myself, but also for the ones that don’t dare to, have a voice, the opportunity or just wants to read. Hopefully this can give some of you the feeling of being less alone and lost in your own little universe like I was and sometimes still am.
I was so depressed for months when the summer was here and now when the autumn has arrived my mood decided to jump and put me on this manic rollercoaster. My minds races, the fingers run wild and the shaky hands and feet are worse. I get a little embarrassed because of the shaking and when I’m starting to suddenly sweat from nothing. It makes me doubt myself, feel unsure and paranoid. I think that everyone who looks at me or in my eyes are looking for flaws just to judge me in their head. Hopefully most times it just from my anxieties and medication, but I don’t think I have talked about it to anyone you never know. Of course I can take valiums for it and often I have to because it is so bad. Like when I’m putting on nail polish, it takes forever, my left hand is way worse than the right. Why that is I don’t have an explanation for. So it is what it is.
I “love” my manic periods because I “feel better”, sociable, verbal online and offline, productive, energetic, get out more, eat less, listen to really loud music (preferably Vocal Deep House mixes), spending sprees, rearrange my apartment take more valium and talk a lot and really fast about everything and nothing! But this also exhaust both me and the people I surround myself with from time to time. And the weather has no impact on me whatsoever. I also noticed that I sometimes “forget” to take my meds on time even tho I have alarms set every single day, or else I would have forgotten all about them. But it also throws some kind of shame-ish thing over me, because when I look back at it I know it’s the other side of my BD. Like when the depression hits me I lay on my sofa, binging on Tv-shows & movies, self harm, get easily irritated, listen to “sad” music preferable lyrics, still goes on spending sprees, go to bed early, wake up early (I think that its a little weird), spends days weeks or months inside my own little bubble.
The winter season is always hard for me because I lost people I love and care about, people who died way too early and I would give anything to bring them back. It doesn’t get easier, but time passes no matter how much I cry or dwell. So living with it is the only way, remembering all the good times and talk to them a little every day before I go to sleep. Sometimes I do this out loud and sometimes in my heart, because I truly believe they can hear me in some way or another. One of my considerable greatest fear is losing someone I love, and this has happened a few times more than I ever could have imagined already. I know it is the way this life is, but sometimes it feels unfair and I have the right to think that. But this has also learned me to be more honest, open up, stay loyal to those whom are loyal to me, cherish moments both the big as well as the small ones. But I have also created healthier relationships with the people I love, both friends and family.
I think I have gotten to the point where I almost believe myself when I say, you have to take me for who I am, if not.. I’m sorry to say; Stay where you are…