Blast To The Past, But Still Here…

I went to a psychic, Sally, yesterday and I have always wanted to do this! It blew my mind, because she told me so much that I have felt and believed in all my life. I asked her about where I came from and she said she saw a boat and that I was covered in some way. When I asked about my biological father she said my biological mom was probably and sadly might raped. As a child I always told and made up stories about my biological father, saying we lived in a tent, eating black rice and bread or something like that. But I can’t remember anything or that I told stories about my biological mom. Sally also told me that I wasn’t unwanted, but that my mom couldn’t and didn’t have enough to raise me. So she left me in a box in front of a churchlike, or the child care facility home. She also got the feeling of me being pulled back and forth as a child, and as I know thats true because of me being the youngest in the home. But I had a caretaker and an older girl who took care of me, but I was still undernourished and in a bad place when I arrived here in Norway. I am adopted, my family is amazing, I really don’t remember much from my childhood. Probably because of all the stories I made up and my mental illnesses. Thus none of this was brought up by the teachers or the psychologist I had when I was around 9-10 years old. I think it’s weird and really strange that none of them picked up on that! My mom said she thought I might could have ADHD, probably because of my tantrums and being all over the place all the time. But who can I really blame? I spend my years, screaming, doing whatever I wanted, always the opposite of what I was told and being a little bitch (to be honest). And trying to hide and escape from reality.

Take chances

They adopted another and the I got a younger sister, she was so sweet, smiley and never did anything wrong. In the start I was really jealous, because I was use to getting all the attention and now there was another one, and she was just sweet and adorable all the time. I wasn’t the best sister in the start, but I was traumatised. No excuse for my behaviour, but an explanation. We grew older and suddenly our mom got pregnant. We got a little brother. He was the cutest little boy ever, I remember dressing him up as a girl when I was young. We’re 5 years apart my sister and I and our brother is 9 years younger than me. We have a really good relationship now, we had it for a while and I love them and my mom so much! They have always been closer, because of me being “so” much older and I moved out the year I was 17 going 18. I did a lot of bad stuff when I was a teenager and hurt myself and my family a lot. I can’t blame anyone but myself, but after the life I lived, choices I made, being abused, misused, diagnosed and hospitalized I have another insight and view on everything. Don’t believe in the greener grass, because when someone says they promise you something but the action speaks louder than the words that actually comes out of their mouths. Do a 360 and walk away! I been through my share of users, and I am also the only one that can say now is enough! So if you feel that I’m writing about you, chances are I really am. But in life there are no regrets, only lessons learned and I have learned a lot through my soon 33 years of life on this earth as a human! 

Keep me in your heart

It has taken me a lot of time and almost too much pain, but later is better than never. And when the Sally looked me in my eyes and said; you tried several times, but your spirits has always saved you! It was like there is no where to hide, I still have daily thoughts about suicide, but I know now that it is not a solution. Having admitted everything I have done, don’t keep secrets, are honest, open, loyal, try to live a good life, do good things for myself and those I love, accepted everything that I have been through and that my life is what it is. I’m trying to teach myself that I am enough, that people really want me in their life, that they love me, that I have the right to walk my own path no matter what others might say or their opinion about it. Of course I don’t live in peace, because of all my different identity disorders but I can try not to let them control me, go to therapy, my doctor, take the classes I will be assigned to, taking my medication as well for regulating them, eating healthy, get enough sleep and fresh air. The exercising comes last, as well for my self harming. But I have no where to hide anymore, so I’m guessing it’s my time to shine bright and receive and give the love I deserve. Until next time, thank you my readers, I hope you find inspiration from me and my life! Because that is what I want you too and to know that life is worth living!

Ernest Hemingway


Any Bryde