It’s a new year and there are changes and time for more and new experiences. I have been kind of an offline person these last weeks. I feel lost, there’s no end to this. Feeling both sides in real life so deeply is somewhat a curse and my blessing every day. But I know now why I have had these experiences and past lives inside my brain. You have not won this war against me disorders and abusers! I speak up for Mental Health, abuse and live my life openly and honestly with all of you. I have to say thank you for reading, my lovely readers and followers, 2014 is over, some of it good and the rest really bad. My disorders are kind a taking over my life at the moment and it’s soon falling apart it feels like. So I am voluntarily going to the psych hospital next week or something like that, i hope. I know I need help, tell more of my stories and face this. But just writing this making my identities mix up. I can feel them in my head, body and eyes. My eyes gets unfocused and I have trouble writing and seeing.
Lately I have been looking through some of my past pictures, and I can see my identities in some of them. There are even a few that doesn’t look like me. My self-harming personalities destroys my face and neck, they have also started on my legs and a new place that I’m not ready to talk about yet. I can see theres sometimes been hours, of me doing this to myself, but “I” don’t remember this afterwards. The pain is not the feeling I’m after, I’m after my bones apparently sometimes. Some people will call this picking when they see me. But that is when the scars are more heald, I don’t want to destroy myself like this. But I honestly don’t feel like I deserve to have a face anymore. I’m going back to the hospital next week for a while, to get help and have someone to take care of me. I’m not able, I spun out of order after the abuser I reported blamed everything on me like its ok to hit and verbally abuse someone with mental illness. Thus you did not know about my diagnoses then, I didn’t either. But the fighter in me really want me back for the good people in my life and the man I have. They even tell me I am beautiful, and I feel so guilty for not believing a word they are saying. So I isolate myself in my own apartment, alone with the voices and personalities. But at least I have asked for help again, and I have broken down infront of one of my therapists. But I’m done with being beaten down, so I have been doing some backups from my past. Evidence and written words that gives me a sign that I was manipulated by this low life person! And as for a lot of them they think they can buy themselves out of everything, but when enough is enough and it’s still darkness after four years. I’m done playing nice to the ones that not deserve it! I’m done feeling like the victim! I want in the future for myself to be the victorious and tell my story so I might save one life. I had that one time, years ago. I sat in the dark, had done everything ready for ending my life (I’m sorry for writing this), was in a place where I should not have been and seen so many horrible things. I made a phone call, my ex-boyfriend saved me. I have thanked him and I do this every day. We were suppose to be together, but sadly he passed away almost 9 years ago. I couldn’t save him, but I’m thankful for the last phone calls and words we had. He is always in my heart! There aren’t many men I really loved, but he is one of them. And the man I am with today is amazing, accepting my flaws, past and imperfections…