I sat alone by myself and looked in the mirror. The face that looked back at me was not me. I have changed, do not know when this really happened. But I remember that all I saw was a girl with scars and blood in her face. I looked at my hands and I had my tweezer in one of them. It was also bloody, the paper in the other hand were also bloody. Nothing looked real, it was like a dream. This was not my first time in the rodeo. I have been plucking for years. Tearing out toe nails and skin where I could. But the scary part was when I looked at the clock, and it has been like 3-4 hours! I could not believe this. Where had I been all this time? I was in another state, there was like this other person that took control over my body and hurt me. But this did not hurt, it was satisfying and that was even scarier.
My inside was broken, I think I have hidden this for so long that my self harming has evolved to tattooing. There are no scars, my canvas is filled with ink, colours all over. I have also found places on my body that you cannot see my scars. But it makes me feel so bad about myself. But I want the world to “see” that I struggle, because on the outside you cannot see the mental illness. So all the judgmental people makes it even harder for us. And I have my eating disorder that I take comfort in when I cannot do my self harming. In High School I started to binge and party. My life turned into a long party that lasted for years. Running around with the wrong crowd and doing drugs. But I had “the time of my life”. As I look back I am so happy that none of this has destroyed my body, but i’m still afraid that it will. I need comfort, and I do have that. But at the moment, my love is on the other side of the world and I am really scared to let people close or under my skin.
As the years pass by now my family sees this, it is probably so much more harder to see this that it is for me. Because my image and how I look at myself are so different from what you all see when you meet me. I struggle, sometimes I just sit here and cry for hours without knowing. Screaming inside my brain and speaking to my grandma in my head (she passed away 7 years ago). I feel that she always got my back and try to get me back on the right track. But I know that I need to take control over this and my life. Because it is not only me, I have several identities inside my head. Time flashes by, I do not know exactly what I have been doing and suddenly it has gone a week. The days are blurry and I do not know what day it is, honestly. I have try to open up so many times, but one of my personalities denies me to do this. So it talks me into not doing it and getting me to believe I can do it by myself like I have always done. But this does not work, and I know this! So am I then kidding myself into believing that I can do this by myself? And the last year has not make me better, except for meeting my love! But when one thing goes up there comes so many obstacles.
I hate the abuser who has fucked up my brain and gotten me to believe that I am unworthy, ugly, fat, should not be alive and are only trash… These words, and the physical abuse runs on repeat in my brain and behind my eyelids… But I am getting rid of this idiot and abusive things for good. This time I will open up and not give in, I am not letting anyone stop me this time!