Having all this time by myself, means I also have all this time to think. Thus thinking is healthy, but to overanalyze and not being able to see the positive in things anymore is starting to kill my spirit. I have always been optimistic, but now all I see is darkness and I’m so freaking exhausted. I feel like there is no one that understands my lonely world, still I know some of you who read will. The lump in my chest is so humongous and the weight is unbearable. Life turns so fast, and change can happen in one second. Getting things thrown at me is no news nor is being misunderstood or not taken seriously. But I want someone who will hold my hand, sit down quietly and tell me they love me and that they will always have my back. Of course keeping your word can be hard for someone, and I know things can change in the blink of an eye but it can go both ways.
To have to live with mental disorders is not easy, the ups and downs, medicine, treatments, doctors, hospitals, feelings, fears, economical wise and having to have to tell people in our life what they are “stuck” with. Throughout my life I have been through so much and I’m only 33 years young now, so hopefully there is time left for positive things. The year 2014 was an mixture of it all. Thus as for now I have decided to shut down, and I will not come out of my shell before you show your true colour to me and that means both visually and wordly. I am not a bad person, I have not done anything wrong so why I am going through all the pain and people who have hurt me sail through their life seemingly? Why aren’t they the ones getting hurt, broken, beaten down or facing struggles? I hope some day karma will kick your asses so hard that you might need a wheelchair!
I wish I could be more positive and optimistic, but right now I hate the world and everything! I would literally not care if I was alive or dead at this moment. Do not give me pity up on this, it just fuels the fire. This is venting so I don’t have to carry the negativity inside, because I know that will end very badly for me and my body. For as now I welcome back my bulimia, purging after every meal, no I do not binge, but I do also starve myself in between. Then I have my self harming, my thought has been wondering to cutting, have not started that yet and hopefully I will be admitted before I get to that. But I am tired, I need help, I have reached out and some places has been really helpful then there has been others that has been ignorant idiots. So for now all I want and need is your support, people in my corner and love me for me – because there is no changing in me ever… The only thing that changes is my heart that grows and the love that comes with it!
Happy Valentines Day