The older I get, the more I feel that I’m losing myself. The people around me speak about me behind my back, they tell lies, but none of them dare to say them to my face. Lets say you are a “psychic” and you tell other people to stay away from me because I use drug, duh, its my medicine. Its sometimes self medication but what’s the difference between that and drinking toxic coca cola or alcohol every day to oblivion? There are so many hypocrites out there, just after my money! You should get your head out of your asses and I will also assure you that karma will come and bite you in the ass!
I had a guy in my life when we were in high school, I was so in love, for almost a decade I was sure we were meant for each other. I thought you were the love of my life, but there was too much silence, secrets, not sharing, you not letting me in under your skin and I tried. You tried, but in the end we are not for each other even tho i wished for it! You had your problems to sort out and when you were not willing to do that there was no relationship happening. The saddest part is that we cannot even be friends and I would really like and appreciate that. We have known each other over half our lives, lived in the same city all our lives. Yes I fucked up, but I’m only “human” and I think you really need a friend, I want to be here for you!
I feel broken, there is nothing that can fix me, the hole keeps growing and my world gets darker. In the darkness I feel safe, comfortable, like a living dead and not so alone because I have all my monsters with me. You can laugh, pretend you don’t know that I am writing about you, to be honest I want you to know but I still don’t care. Because I grew over the past years and you have never hurt me physically only emotionally. And I have hurt you, I am sorry, wish there were someway I could make it go away.
Fixing myself is the hardest and most challenging thing I ever have to go through. I don’t know how long it will take, nor do I know if I really can do it on my own to be honest! There is one person in this world who broke me like I was a stick. I wish I could hurt you back, put you in a wheelchair, make you have no feeling from the neck and down. But I’m not that kind if a person, I don’t play dirty, I do this fair and square. The right way, with proof, through lawyers and the police. Don’t worry, you won’t even know.. BUT People seldom accept abusers of any kind you know! You can blame me for every word in the dictionary, I did not have these diagnoses then. But I have pictures, voice memos, bruises, traumas and its all because of you! I will never forgive you, but I have moved on, because I know people like you will get what you deserve because there are no secrets here anymore and I’m not the fragile girl you broke down five years ago!
And then it is you, the man in my heart and soul that I love so much. The one I never knew existed, the one I am so afraid of losing to someone better, prettier, sexier, smarter and all that. The one I keep in my heart because there is something telling me we really are meant for each other. I do believe in love and I have always and will always! So I love you now, yesterday and forever…