I do not know how it all will end, nor do the answers fit my questions. I just know that I still see you in the corner of my eyes all the time. Mostly I just want to run away, sell, pack it all and leave for greater and good living out a dream. But my insecurities makes everything a little difficult at the moment. I have taken distance, it does not really work for me, since my brain works against me. Somewhere I read that the generation that grows up today is losing their faith in love, and I can understand that. With deceiving, unfaithful, untrustworthy people who seem to fail us again and again, why should we? Maybe I am on my way to the dark place, but I have been thinking about if and who would miss me…? Tomorrow I am going to a funeral, my sisters man father died suddenly. Sad, but luckily without any pain, we can relate, losing our dad to cancer six years ago.
I do not think the dead stay “dead” they are very much alive in my dreams and daily life. I talk to them, eat, touch, hug and smell them around me. People can call me weird and strange, I know now that I am way pass that anyway, so go ahead be judgmental if you want to. There are people in this small world that made their personal opinions against me and blocked me from a group “Bipolare Mennesker” it’s a Norwegian Facebook group, the lady Sylvi, did not like my personal opinions and was after me from day one. There are others in the same group writing the same as me, they did not get blocked or kicked out. So much for being Bipolar and knowing what it’s all about and being an administrative for a group. Straight to suicidal hell she sent me, I was almost so pissed that I wanted to cut, take a picture and post it on her wall! But breathe in and out, so I choose to be the bigger person. But I will stand my ground because I am not afraid of a discussion.
On the other hand I am getting a blog post on another community on Facebook, Faces of Mental Illness, I don’t know exactly when it will be posted but soon-ish. It’s a big step for little me, being the loner here in Norway, never seemingly finding a place to call home. I pretend to be fine a lot, How can I tell you that I do not believe that anyone ever loved me and that everything is staged? I will break their hearts, just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I never asked for this, but at times it seems like a lot of you don’t recognize this. I actually sat myself down and watched 50 Shades Of Grey today, because of me falling asleep when I turned it on yesterday. It reminded me of a man, one I miss and wish were here or rather me there actually. I don’t know anything anymore, I feel numb, I want to sleep forever and at the same time I just want to conquer the world. Let everybody know that different, weird, strange and unfamiliar are ok. We will live to see another day, we have powers, we can do things! No one says it has to be done today… Except for the evil voices inside my head that are trying to put me down. They are the same who tells me negative things about me all the time, tells me what you all think about me and say about me… The wonderful world and life of Mental Illness!