I have to say that all the responses I have gotten are humbling and overwhelming! I would never expect this. I love you for giving feedbacks, comments, wishes and so on.. But sometimes I struggle with the arbitrary because of my brain has like 40% with this, it’s mostly my hands. This is the life I live, my daily “routines”, struggles, mental illnesses, friends, issues and so much more.. I just wish someone would sit down next to me and be here loving me while I fix myself. i don’t need you to fix me, but I surely, honestly do need companionship, friendship and love. This is not a romance novel about walking into the sunset and get married, as for now the space next to me can only be used by friends. Everyone else has left me… So I am done with that for a while. Knowing myself I will probably give you all a heads up when I am back in the dating zone.
Spring, sunshine, bare roads, less clothes and finally sunglasses. It should be a good season, but something is up.. And I am starting all this group therapy sessions as well, getting big time stressed and anxious just writing it.. I know there will be confrontations that I have to take part in no matter how much I will deny it! What if I just could have a house by the beach, infinitely music collections and the best sound system in the whole world. Of course I would need my dearest Mac for writing and not becoming a hermit, but people can visit me. The ones who needs to know will know where I am at. still I doubt my thoughts, because when I am observing and listening to people I am unsure if it is the same. And this really freaks me out. It is like I can hear you thinking about me, commenting negatively on everything I do. Sometimes I even restrict myself from going to the washroom because I am so afraid of what might be said while I’m gone.
My insecurity and self image is completely destroyed, never knowing when it will come back or if.. A certain someone has made it sure that this goes on repeat in my head all day long. I was more lively, did not just sit on the same spot all night. Not that I entertained or anything, but I enjoyed myself, now I just feel like a burden. The shadow that no one can seem to shake off or run from.. The ghost that always hover above you when you sleep and the alien within… Why is my reality so different from yours, or is it that you all say these things to mess up my head. What happens to me when the old man visits?