There’s a huge difference in the way I put my words so effortly, informative and precise because I have these illnesses. I berry them with me everywhere, all the time, no breaks. So when I sit down to write it all just flows and pushes itself on. My fingers cannot run fast enough to get the words on the sheet. And for all I could know you are the illustrated and well inbounded conspiracies against me and are like spam. It’s all like, but hey you know, sorry to say – but two can play this game. Except I am the one coming out of this in a well earned way. Maybe even profitable, we never know.
The thing I promised myself I really would not to, was falling and why always face first? There should be a solution that let it go smoother and be real. Inside there is this feeling like I have to, protect you, help you and we should have the last dance. Then go for what we want. At least try for real, for a little while now when it is all blooming anyway. My mind is all over the place, because of the undeniable deniable and you do not want this. So why bother, why say anything at all, because it’s new and I am not to show feelings first. It will show you when you read this. I wonder where we are then and what happened in between. But for now I pretend like nothing, and I am apparently very good at it.. But then again we know it all, the truth and what we have to do. It feels so good just to be near you and this circle is rare. There is something in the way you make me feel when we look at each other, vibrating feeling and you just let me be me. You did not try to change me, you said, you are on the outside how I feel on the inside. Love it! Thats about says it all I would say. Just thinking about it makes me a little melancholic around my eye era.
I also struggle the diagnoses. I believe they are out playing more, taking more control and I have been losing hours lately. Self harming is the tool of The punishment pleasure for me! And it is also crazy that I missed it, because this is an old runner. The one who get into the sexual arrangement, self-harms the most ,and she has a lot of control over me than the others. Maybe that is the real me? It will describe a lot, because it has been repetitive and my therapist told me to look out for that. And I am not the shady one that has the button, I want to build us a community, a place where we could be ourselves. Ask question and be connected. So I need a few things. This will be a good distraction.
And then we have to one who locks herself in for days, surfing online in circle, so theres always more and more information to suck in. I would say, that this one she is the brainy and shy perfection! The huge fault here is that she does not believe nor see this in herself. She sees all the ugliness that has been thrown at her all the years from the past, now soon to be brought back to life again and I think they all are trying to trick me. I am not letting them win this.
So is the social one, she who dresses up, filled up constantly with anxiety, voices, losing track of time and always want to be awake. While deep inside she is lonely, because no one want to be with her 24/7. Is it impossible to love her and if it so, why and can we fix this? At least i am productive when i am here. She want to be liked by everybody, so she is the beauty-baggage. Always smile, are so polite and well behaved. Mostly she kept herself in the back, a little afraid of taking control and letting anyone know what she really meant. The thing is, when you never has done it, that is in fact scary! You get naked in half a second for all the world to see, it feels like for me at least. It is the same when people ask something I really cannot hear and they have to repeat and repeat.
But why suddenly now, why and how can it all be about repetitivity? I live by rules that “I” have to follow or else something will push it of course. I have no idea why it is like this, It’s this power over me with voices that speak so clearly I cannot ignore them anymore. I will face you, the one who reads this and you can answer in the comment section and mrk:
Beauty-Baggage, We All Got It In One Way Or The Other!
You can ask me anything you want, its an open stage, write your story whatever suits your boat! And be creative in the fact that it has to be from your own life.Tell me about the baggage we carry around and what it does to you and so on. Of course you can analyze the title to whatever you want, I always had this curiosity in watching other people and their ways of life everyday. Maybe follow you around and picturing how your houses looked on the inside. I build stories around you and a whole life, even when in my 30s, I still am. This curiosity makes my mind wonder into their life… And live their life!