When people get together there’s so much they are talking about that is not important at all, they have all these trivial conversations with no substance. They pretend they care about people, the universe, animals, the earth, politics, economics, and everything is strange because they really don’t care they just want to seem important. Helping us to see the real person in front of us, but sometimes they hide behind this mask and takes a while before we see and uncover their bad intention and behavior in the back talking and backstabbing.
Sometimes I just wish I could be “normal” as everybody else and not think about that I’m mentally ill and hopefully someday in the future I will be better than I am now. There’s so much more in life, I’m following my dream, I write to tell you about my life, my mental illness, my ups and downs, my friends, my family, my therapy, my obstacles and all the stuff that I’m anxious about. I also have these things in my head but I really cannot get rid of the voices that tell me that I’m useless, ugly, fat or not good for anything except being a burden for you all.
When you’re born with this and this burden as an illness you really don’t know how to cope in society there’s a lot of people that judge you when there are so many people that really don’t know because they don’t dare to ask you at all. And when I’m outside I just pretend that everything is okay, no one can see the tears they’re hiding in my eyes and I feel so lonely I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me that things will be okay in the future. And if not who knows maybe I won’t be old or live as long as I should, I’m sorry but that’s the harsh reality of this illness we never know!
It is because we don’t look sick at all, but I don’t look sick either, that there are scars that will never go away! And then again you have all these brave souls that I know also struggles with different mental illnesses like mine bipolar, borderline, dissociative, PTSD and so-and-so and we’ll manage, we take our medicine, you’ll go to therapy, we all cry inside behind our own four walls because we never really show it to other people, we want to stay strong and i just don’t want to be the one to destroy other people’s day so that’s why I’m playing hide and seek for as long as I can so people never see the reality and seriousness of my illnesses, besides my shakes that are getting worse and I don’t have anything to hide anything anymore I have become more honest I want to be out there and I want to share this with you and I want you to understand us!
I am starting to understand that some of you will never understand us being bipolar, but if you just took some time to explore in your brain. You would probably understand and I was seriousness in depression and mania. Of course we are all nuts alike all of us, we are different people, different backgrounds but it’s the thing that pulls us together is this feeling of black and white. I love a lot of you who has these illnesses and want you to succeed in life so please follow your dream, passion, you’re in their integration, is soul and do whatever you want to do. Don’t let anything stop you!