My life is not mine anymore, I do not own my body, nor do I feel human or accepted. Wherever I go I feel so uncomfortable, unwanted, misplaced and alienated. I know there are people who feel the same, but they are not here anymore. And then the darkness take over, controlling my whole being, wishing I could be just one with the person I love. apparently this is not enough anymore, I am not enough for anyone… So I am saying goodbye, hoping you all understand that this is my choice. Because I do not want to sit alone again, with this feeling that I felt so many times before. This empty black feeling that makes me believe that it is me, my soul, tainted and black…
I gave my heart to another person, but only so it again could be stamped on, broken in to pieces and I do not know how to repair myself anymore. I do not have the powers nor the strength to do this alone anymore. As the time passes I feel less and less, it is sad to write and say to you all that I do not see why I am here on this planet? When all I ever get is a broken heart and a soul that aches. I love with everything I got, I give the world to the ones I love and love them so much that they fly away… And still everybody thinks about money – why? It should not be the root of everything, but still it is. I know we have to pay our bills, rent, food and so on… But I am not a lost case that you can play with or throw around like you want to. I am just a little girl, clinging to existence and pretending to be ok. But if you see my eyes and soul you will see and know that I am broken, the kind of broken that you cannot fix… No medicine in this world can fix me, I am so messed up that people run away from me without telling me. Leaving me alone feeling like a nobody and unworthy.
I was happy, you gave me a reason to smile, a Humph that I have not felt in a long time, a glaze in my eyes that no one has seen for years and a calm feeling inside my broken soul and heart. You told me you loved me and you wanted to be my boyfriend, I believed you. And now I am shattered to a million pieces, like the broken mosaic picture. All my personalities comes together and takes this sledgehammer and hits us all in the head, where we break, fall out and see that the reason we are here for is to protect us. I know we can be distant and misunderstood, but please do believe that all we want is the real love and a pure soul. We do not understand why falling asleep has something to do with us…? Yes I have my way with words, but never will I use this against anyone I love or care for. I want the world to know about love, soul, connections, vibrations and energies. I feel and have felt the loneliness in every way you can think, and it is not a good thing. I am not made for being alone, or go through life alone.. My illnesses makes me somewhat weird, but at least I am not like everybody else, I never wanted to be like a sheep… So it might be that I am the loner, a wolf, maybe I don’t deserve to be alive or was never meant to be born….?