Christmas came again this year as every year, but the spirit of Christmas is not really here. It feels more like autumn about now. There is no snow or any Christmasy about this season this year. Tho we got through it seemingly, with the food, gifts, coffee, and cookies. I am pretty satisfied this year with all my presents. Useful gifts and stuff I need, sitting here in my new Panda pajamas and relaxing with my mom, sister and brother. Got new headphones for Christmas, so now my music experience on my iPhone is complete again. They are so comfortable and the sound is awesome, almost like my Bowers & Wilkins. So my siblings did well this year too. No complaining on my end this year. I am not a Christmasy person, but I do really love spending time with family, it is not that often we do this. And being the person I am I love being around people, tho I get to be too exhausted because of my illnesses. But it is worth it, I can relax when I get back home.
I know there are a lot of lonely people around, and wish that I could do something about it. But I have to see that I cannot solve all problems or people. Would love too tho. We spent Christmas Eve at my aunt and uncle, mom’s sister, with cousins and their cute dogs. We celebrate every other year, here and there. It is a tradition I really like, but I cannot help myself from feeling like an alien, an outcast in all social settings. Strange being able to see it all from above as a spectator to my own life. Am I acting proper, do I keep my mouth decent at all times? I struggle to follow the conversations but keep a smile on my face. Do not think I am not having a good time, I really do, it is just that it is hard, with the voices and spinning in my head. The unlogical thoughts and actions going on inside my head. I wish there were something that could “cure” this, but I know I have to learn how to cope with this shit. Why am I different from the others?
All the questions pile up inside my head, and I sit here wondering why? Feeling guilty of things I cannot even remember, feeling sedated and strange. Like I am visiting another life, and it is not mine. I do not know why I feel so weird at the moment, but the stress factor is here big time! And my head spins like a wheel at all times. I do not even remember what I am supposed to write at the moment, but there are still words and my fingers live their own life. So if this is messy, I am sorry, it is all just a mix of thoughts and feelings. There are things going on and I have lost control again. Feeling like I fail to try to be a person… I lost the count and I am saying I am sorry all the time. So hopefully 2016 will bring back the optimism.