I have not written so much lately, I really do not know why… But I think it has something to do with my medicine. I do not feel like myself, losing interest in the things I love to do and the feeling of change. It is like someone has taken over the control. It is true that I use a lot of energy on the Korean school, and studying hard to learn the language. Still, I have a lot to learn, but I can actually read Hangeul now, not that I always understand what I am reading.. hahaha.. So I started Korean School this fall and its level 1. every Saturday I wake up around 7am and get ready for school. I have wanted to learn Korean my whole life and finally I am doing it. My class is the sweetest, our teacher is amazing and it is a whole lot of fun. It is like learning to speak for the first time, remembering the sounds to the signs and pronouncing them right. Surrounding myself with tv shows, movies, and Korean music is a way to learning the language faster. And now it is getting easier to understand the words, but still, I have a lot to learn.
I wish that my creative side would come back again because this feels like a “prison” that I cannot endure. And I know I have to take the pills, but honestly, I do not want to take them anymore. Losing yourself is not desirable… So how do I fix this?
I wish I knew, but I do not have any solution or ideas! It is just making me angry and exhausted. Why will not life go back to the way it used to be? I get that we have to change, but why do we loose the good in yourself…? What am I suppose to do? Should I start over, find something new or should I just keep trying? I know that I cannot find the answer in others, I know I have to search within myself. But why can it not be easier, like learning to crawl? I also know that this could be a start of the depression period, and just by the thought of it makes me numb. So I am trying hard, not giving up, even tho I just want to crawl under the covers and hide till it is all over. Why is it so much work being ill? Why will not life be easier for us? I am just saying, there are no demands… Only the wish of not losing myself like the candle in the wind.