Being alone is not something I like at all, I have done too many things alone in my life. I want one to do everything with someone, that will take me where ever and want to show me off and be proud to be with me. I probably overreact, but it is inside my brain, I cannot change that. I try, but it is so hard to fight this fight alone. I do not want to do this anymore, I feel like a burden to all of the people I know and it is a bad feeling. Tho I feel more and more like myself now than before, because of my new medicine I cannot control my thoughts. The spinning wheel that never ends.
It is true, I fall too hard, crush easy, love too much and forgive too easy. But why? Why do I keep saying sorry when I really do not need to? It is an enigma I cannot solve by myself. I need help, I need someone who can answer my questions, hold my hand and let me cry on their shoulder when I am sad and feel lonely. Feeling lonely when I am with others is the worst feeling. I feel guilty and want to fall down a black hole.I know so well that I am sick, but reminding me is not the right way to handle the situation. It makes me worse, feeling small and insignificant. So I come here and vent, writing out my inside for you all to see. An open heart and soul that is vulnerable and sore.
But then again, when I love, I love with all my heart and soul. And there is nothing I would not do for the right one. But I have to admit that it bother me. I am just a human, believing I have super powers is a fault in my system. But I struggle with low self-esteem and an image of myself that is opposite of reality. But bad habits is hard to get rid off, it does not happen overnight. Like Rome was not built in a day or the earth for giving you a clearer picture.
I’m starting to see how it is in this world, with people and their lack of education in different areas. It is horrifying to see how we treat each other just because of differences in a person. Is it so that you have the right to tell someone they can’t have the life they wanted or at least should give it a try to get it. I spend a lot of my time thinking how I can help people like myself and others who might not dare to say how things really are. We aren’t all perfectioned animated robots, with airbrushed skin and a perfect smile. We are the shadows in the darkness, where people rarely want to admit that they’re wrong. Is it not to pretend that I’m perfect because I’m far from it. But to give all of us who’s in the shadows a new shine.
I’m sad, and I don’t know how this will play itself out because I’m tired of fighting this fight. The lack of understanding and opening your minds to a “new world”.
If you really knew how it feels to be alone with hatred words repeating themselves in my head, I hear them in the hall, walls, buses, stores, the streets and everywhere I go. I am one of the “lucky ones” who knows that I have chronic diseases, but that doesn’t make my illnesses disappear. I just wish you didn’t believe all the bullshit. It’s not “cool” to have a mental disease, it doesn’t make people stupid, dangerous or ok to call them crazy. I would bet that the half of you who’s “joking” with being bipolar, doesn’t have a clue about how this illness really affects you. You don’t suddenly see yourself bleeding, while its been hours of self-harming just because it’s too hard for us to let us feel something at times, and we might don’t even want to hurt ourselves, maybe we just want help but have a really big problem putting it down in words. And as I cannot say it certain for others I can say that I don’t even “see” the damage I’m doing to myself. And it hurts when I look in another persons’ eyes and I see that they want to help me, but neither they or I know what I need in that moment. And I think I can say that all we want is love, understanding, and a hand that doesn’t let go.
As I write this I’m starting to cry, not because of myself, but the loneliness these illnesses carry with them. The stigma, taboo and people saying; “It’s all in your head, you just need to…..!” And here’s where I struggle the most, because last year when I was In a coma, it’s suddenly more “accepted”, because you just lay there and don’t know if you’ll see tomorrow. But with mental Illness the whole world forgets it’s something we all need to address, as of yesterday! Anyone can get depressed for a period of their lives, but it’s not close to having to deal with this our whole lives.
I don’t want to startle, but I’m in a place where the loneliness is getting too overwhelming and I hate myself for not being like everybody else… And still I never want to be inside the box, I just wish for understanding and acknowledge that we’re worth as much as everybody else… And I bet if every one of you looked at your friends, at least one of them are struggling with mental issues but they hide it because of the shitstorm you get… So I decided I won’t shut up, I will fight for people that are different because I truly think that then something special will happen in this world.