See Me Shine


There’s a few thing I feel the need to do today, and it’s Saturday so In Oslo that means, “free-night”! I just wish the last few days didn’t happen. And I know I do overreact at times., but I’m only human, still, nothing will change that. and I do have feelings they are just soooo much deeper than yours That without experiencing this you will sadly never know. I sad and happy at the same time, each time I think about the argument, oh, my heart aches. I don’t want this feeling anymore,  for whole my life it has been like this. It has to stop now!

I will never be that person who will succeed to what their parents want for them.  I will always be the black sheep of the family. But do I really mind, is the question I have to ask myself too!IMG_1464.JPG

And I really want to write a lot right now, but something in me wants to draw and color at the same time. I just feel like Chemicals (Nils Noa Remix) … At the moment I have to civil… Really never understood what that means, but I’ll always survive. I don’t know if this is share luck or my thin red line…? When I’m alone I do all these weird things that no one of my friends would guess I do… But that is what keeps my life interesting as well as surprising. Honestly, there’s is too much in my life now for mentioning, and I don’t want to hurt anyone I love.

I just wish you all could see me shine…!

Love,

Any Bryde

So Now I’m Suppose To Be Proud


When winter comes to Oslo everybody is packing themselves in all these warm clothes, while I walk around in summer clothes as my psychologist says. But I rarely freeze, my problem is being too warm all the time… Feeling the sweat on my forehead, the sticky clothes, and a really uncomfortable wave that just washes over me. I feel everybody, hear their voices, feel them staring and I get this idea that everybody is out to get me. Talking to “normal” people about these thoughts is sometimes scary. For they have an idea that if you hear voices you must be schizophrenic… But let me tell you that that is not always the problem.

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In this world where everybody is struggling to be perfect, pretend to have a perfect job, house, life and all the money in the world. It is not like this, I look around and see their fakeness, just like I was for several years. Thinking I needed things to be, I don’t really know, but I think as my head is a mess, I want to look presentable. The thing is that this isn’t my style at all. I’m of course different from others, and when I look around in this restaurant where my manic personalities decided to eat, sit, write and think. I clearly see the difference between “them” and me. As I live my life and try to take myself back into myself again, I become more and more aware of that I’m different. Not in a bad way, but just completely not inside the box. My walls are here, but they are changing every second. It is like a pulsing blood vessel, with my heart on the sleeve and my vulnerability so visible that I even get scared most of the time.

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No one sees this side of me because I have hidden it so well behind different personalities that take over when I can’t deal with people or life. Being manic is of course like being a free bird, a golden one with shiny diamonds. One that no one can put in a cage or say no to! I have endless energy, creativity, ideas, feelings, thoughts and get so much done! The thing is that now I really have a reason to be proud of myself because I won “Best of Best” at the literature evening at my Korean school. They even think I did such an amazing job that I’m invited to dinner with the Korean Embassy here in Oslo and with my teachers as well. And I got accepted into Remote Year 2017, so my book and documentary will be a reality! All the hard work, tears, struggles and hard times are finally mounting to something more. I get to, hopefully, meet some of my readers or peers along the way. It’s the change I always been dreaming secretly of and never told anyone I think. Because what if I didn’t get to fulfill my dream or ideas because of my illnesses. But the only person standing in my way is the bad and evil personality that doesn’t want me to be alive in this world. And I will not let him win my fight and will to live! As long as I can walk, write, speak, breath and think I will fight for my life and learn to live it as I can. Trying not to compare me with others, because they have college degrees or a proper job.

But then again, what is a proper job? Is it really being a sheep and follow everybody else, not thinking for yourself and talk about gossip? Isn’t life suppose to be filled with what we love?

Love,

Any Bryde

When My Head Spins


Being alone is not something I like at all, I have done too many things alone in my life. I want one to do everything with someone, that will take me where ever and want to show me off and be proud to be with me. I probably overreact, but it is inside my brain, I cannot change that. I try, but it is so hard to fight this fight alone. I do not want to do this anymore, I feel like a burden to all of the people I know and it is a bad feeling. Tho I feel more and more like myself now than before, because of my new medicine I cannot control my thoughts. The spinning wheel that never ends.

It is true, I fall too hard, crush easy, love too much and forgive too easy. But why? Why do I keep saying sorry when I really do not need to? It is an enigma I cannot solve by myself. I need help, I need someone who can answer my questions, hold my hand and let me cry on their shoulder when I am sad and feel lonely. Feeling lonely when I am with others is the worst feeling. I feel guilty and want to fall down a black hole.I know so well that I am sick, but reminding me is not the right way to handle the situation. It makes me worse, feeling small and insignificant. So I come here and vent, writing out my inside for you all to see. An open heart and soul that is vulnerable and sore.

But then again, when I love, I love with all my heart and soul. And there is nothing I would not do for the right one. But I have to admit that it bother me. I am just a human, believing I have super powers is a fault in my system. But I struggle with low self-esteem and an image of myself that is opposite of reality. But bad habits is hard to get rid off, it does not happen overnight. Like Rome was not built in a day or the earth for giving you a clearer picture.

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I’m starting to see how it is in this world, with people and their lack of education in different areas. It is horrifying to see how we treat each other just because of differences in a person. Is it so that you have the right to tell someone they can’t have the life they wanted or at least should give it a try to get it. I spend a lot of my time thinking how I can help people like myself and others who might not dare to say how things really are. We aren’t all perfectioned animated robots, with airbrushed skin and a perfect smile. We are the shadows in the darkness, where people rarely want to admit that they’re wrong. Is it not to pretend that I’m perfect because I’m far from it. But to give all of us who’s in the shadows a new shine.

I’m sad, and I don’t know how this will play itself out because I’m tired of fighting this fight. The lack of understanding and opening your minds to a “new world”.

If you really knew how it feels to be alone with hatred words repeating themselves in my head, I hear them in the hall, walls, buses, stores, the streets and everywhere I go. I am one of the “lucky ones” who knows that I have chronic diseases, but that doesn’t make my illnesses disappear. I just wish you didn’t believe all the bullshit. It’s not “cool” to have a mental disease, it doesn’t make people stupid, dangerous or ok to call them crazy. I would bet that the half of you who’s “joking” with being bipolar, doesn’t have a clue about how this illness really affects you. You don’t suddenly see yourself bleeding, while its been hours of self-harming just because it’s too hard for us to let us feel something at times, and we might don’t even want to hurt ourselves, maybe we just want help but have a really big problem putting it down in words. And as I cannot say it certain for others I can say that I don’t even “see” the damage I’m doing to myself. And it hurts when I look in another persons’ eyes and I see that they want to help me, but neither they or I know what I need in that moment. And I think I can say that all we want is love, understanding, and a hand that doesn’t let go.

As I write this I’m starting to cry, not because of myself, but the loneliness these illnesses carry with them. The stigma, taboo and people saying; “It’s all in your head, you just need to…..!” And here’s where I struggle the most, because last year when I was In a coma, it’s suddenly more “accepted”, because you just lay there and don’t know if you’ll see tomorrow. But with mental Illness the whole world forgets it’s something we all need to address, as of yesterday! Anyone can get depressed for a period of their lives, but it’s not close to having to deal with this our whole lives.

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I don’t want to startle, but I’m in a place where the loneliness is getting too overwhelming and I hate myself for not being like everybody else… And still I never want to be inside the box, I just wish for understanding and acknowledge that we’re worth as much as everybody else… And I bet if every one of you looked at your friends, at least one of them are struggling with mental issues but they hide it because of the shitstorm you get… So I decided I won’t shut up, I will fight for people that are different because I truly think that then something special will happen in this world.

Love,

Any Bryde

A New Chapter


My life is changed again, again with the fear, behind locked doors and hiding like a ghost in daylight. My mind wanders and goes to places that again makes me change personalities, the way I live and where I go. The wishful thinking of leaving this place just to get peace and a real life. In this world, there are so any evil people that I now just want to go to the moon. Or to find a planet only for the good ones, so the bad ones can destroy each other instead! Spending my life in the shadow of myself and scared of the world. I can go as far as I would now say the hate is growing. My caring, optimistic, smiling self is gone – now. And I am left with terrors, nightmares and the wish of not being alive. Why is it so, that a person is so evil and to destroy another? I will never get that!

There have been months of nothing from me…but now you see why I cannot do my “normal” things. Left with the scars and a life I do not think matters. There is no seeking of attention or pity. Just a memento to let the world know that there are still people who think Mental Illnesses do not exist! Shame on you all! What happened to read and knowledge in the human race? Why have some people gone blind to others? Lately, I have been trying to “connect” with my heritage, South Korea, watching Korean movies. The languages are starting to sound familiar and I understand more and more, and the wish of going there, traveling around and learn more. I am in the thoughts of wanting to go there and make a difference for kids like me. I have also started Korean Language School this semester, level 1. So Inwill soon be fluent in Hangul and Korean. 

Life is simple, barricading myself inside with the voices and hallucinations. Even so I m still scared because of a bad person attached me in my apartment. I do not understand how a person can do such a thing! But as always my experiences will eventually make me stronger, but now I have to fight more than I ever have done. Why is it so that there are people here who intentionally destroy others? What happened to you? Like myself I have a lot of baggage, but I never let it out on others. I try to be a better person every day, because change starts within. So I am brushing off the dust on my shoulders and start with clean cheets. 

Love,

Any Bryde