Another one from August 30th 2008


FAMILY

For this is the most precious you have in life. Do not think otherwise! Let them always know that!

Especially in hard times like these. You need family and good friends. Do not think that you get through this alone as i do.. Because that is not true! 

I sit at times, both home and at work. Thinking about my situation. My feelings inside, I can feel my tears in my eyes. But what do i do? 

Nothing – i swallow this with “pride” and pretend. BUT I’m done pretending! I cannot go around pretending to be a superwoman – though I do from time to time. But this is bringing back a lot of old feelings and thoughts too.

I know that we are all humans. And last night my mom told me; “there are two things that are certain in life and that is that we are born and that we are going to die.” And then she said something like this; “When you are dead you are hidden, but not forgotten.” That made me feel a little better. 

Because i have to say that i have not been at the graves of those whom i lost in life that often. That is not because i do not want to, but I am kind of afraid. For my own feelings and reactions. So i have to learn to let go of my controlling being and let it rip sometimes.

So I am not happy all time – I am actually very often sad and feeling misplaced.
But i dearly love my family and friends! So know this i will always be here, through good, bad, happiness and sadness! Anytime, anywhere!

Love you all!!

© Aug. 2008 Lady AhY

Wrote this on August 31th 2008 and I still and will always feel the same <3


HARD!

I try to stay strong – for my family and myself. But it’s getting harder and harder. It’s so hurtful seeing my father like this. 

I just want to hug him hard and tell him everything will be all right.. He looks at me with a sadness in his eyes. I just want to tell him everything. But how do i do this?



I want to say I’m sorry for all the bad things i have done. Ask him about his life. I just want to know it all!



But i know that it is enough with me just being there. I just hope he knows how much i love him!

© 2008 Lady AhY

I wrote this on September 5th 2008..


I thought it is time to share some old notes and stuff I have written.. I wrote this when my dad was dying of Cancer, R.I.P. Dad ❤

HEART

Open your heart and let life in! It sounds so easy, but what do i know. For almost my whole life i stayed inside my own shell.

Like i realized lately – this is not good. So from now i have to try to open myself. Showing my feelings. Not letting the people who i have in my life think that everything is good all the times. Because it is not. These days my life is hard. am i losing my happy self! i Do not like that. So then i write and write – to shake this feeling i have inside. To let myself go a little. Showing the world that we all have different stories. Some have the same – but we tackle them in our own way.

My dear friends who always tell me that they are here for me. My heart is in your hands these days. I can not handle it alone anymore. It is to much for me to think these days!
C guides me in the right direction. She’s my sister on the other side of the world. We have long talks about everything and nothing. She is honest and Korean so our souls are alike! The connection is indescribable. We just click together!



S whom I’ve known my whole life. We have been through so much together. Been apart for a few years. But still it feels like we never parted. She’s here for me anytime of the day. Catching me when I fall. Remembering things for me. Telling me whats happening around me when I can not tell.



They are both brutally honest lovely ladies and I love you both NOW AND FOREVER!!

I smile – that is my protection against questions about how I really feel. I tell you that I can handle it. People think that I am strong. But to tell you all the truth; I am just me, I am fragile, I can break, I do cry, I do get sad, I do have feelings, I do feel lonely and I do crawl under the covers wishing things where different. My rough outside is to protect whats inside – my heart!

© 2008 Lady AhY

I wrote this in September 8th 2008..


TIME

How will you learn this. Is this all we got or is there more in this world?

Wherever I go I see faces, eyes open and looking at me. Will they ever stop. Will they ever speak again. Love is everything. Do not think otherwise. Love is the only thing that can be forever. You will always remember the people you love and loved! If sometimes you regret, just do it over! Do not hesitate, let everybody know.

I will not wake up one morning and regret that i did not speak my mind. But do not worry, because my thoughts and opinions are always out there..

No matter what you do or say time will pass. There is nothing we can do to make it slow down. So take good care of the people who matters in life and let them know. You never know when they are gone…

© 2008 Lady AhY