Sometimes It Is Not A Joke


My life is a joke, there is no use being alive, why should I, just give me one good reason. But How would I do it, the easiest way out is the pills. A death that’s not painful, but just falling asleep like any other night.My life is divided into two parts, the one where I am happy and the other one where I fuck everything up. It is always me, and I do everything wrong, so I do not know how to be anymore. I need help, self-harming is not enough for me anymore. I need something stronger, real, more frightening. Something that scares the shit out of me. Am I really worthy this life, am I worthy alive or is it better for me to be dead. My darkness is more and heavier this time. I try to turn it around to a more positive, but it is hard.

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But on the other hand, the light that keeps me alive, is everything and more powerful than me. But do he really understands how strong my love is for him. I do not know what to do anymore. Why am I not enough? Why is my life worth so little in comparison to other people. My life feels like a joke and I am the joker, so life is all a joke. But I try harder, work at it harder than ever before, just that I end up self-harmimg myself every time. But still it want get better so what is the use of being alive, when there is nothing to live for anymore. Why keep breathing, with a voice that is not heard. All the wrongs I do and everything I get blamed for. Is it all a joke, or is it really me? Every time I am sitting with the question; Is it fair?

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So I am cutting myself, I know is it stupid, that I am an idiot. I do not relly think that I should be here anymore. The more I think about it, the more sure I get: I am sick, tired and exhausted, how can I bare this burden? My life is just a joke, I am a burden to those whom I love and I do them wrong all the time. So it is true, I do not deserve to be happy, because every time I fuck it up. ending with hating myself even more than I already do. And this is not to get empathy or you to feel sorry for me. I am over that, I see blood and that is my satisfaction, the one thing that calms my nerves. But I still think, maybe it is some kind of a twisted joke, where I am the joker and really are not alive. I wish for the darkness, it is scaring me. How much I long for not being here in this world, where all I do is wrong no matter what or how hard I try.I keep distance, I leave you, I am going against my own beliefs. How is it that I am the only one that has to compromize? Am I really that bad, am I so much of a burden to handle? Or is it really anyone who can handle me?

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I feel so lonely it aches all over, I just want to keep on cutting and bleed to death! The ultimate peace and relief from my mind and myself. It is unbearable being me sometimes, and I do so many wrong things. even tho I try to correct all the errors, it is ending up with bigger black holes. The truth be told, is not a good idea to be honest. It is better to shut the hell up and do not fall in that gap. I wish I died instead of lived! How can someone love me, I feel that everything I do I  FUCK UP?

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Love,

Any Bryde

It Is A Little Bit Too Much Too Late


Life is not what you think, there are a lot of things that happens and will cross your path. Meeting new people, making friends, old ones disappointing you and leaving you hanging. I do not know how or what I did wrong. Missing someone you love is a hard thing. The moments passing by and memories flashing in front of my eyes. Who to trust, am I reliable, can I believe and trust my own head? Someone who blames you for your mistakes because of being mentally ill is that a person to trust? I try to be the best person I can, but clearly there is someone who is seeing it differently.

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Am I in the wrong here, is it all my fault? I am slowly starting to doubt myself again, losing everything I have built up. My insides are turning themselves inside out and I am sad again. Why do people disappear and tell me I am psycho? I am not, I can assure you. I know myself and I would never hurt someone I love. But my limit is reached, and I do not know if I can handle this anymore. The darkness takes over, sneaking up on me like the fog on a wet winter day. Are these people worth my love? Is it better to delete them from my life than keep trying to please them? I am starting leaning against deleting some of the people whom I love because I do not know if I can trust them anymore. there are not many people in my life I really trust, but as some disappear there are new ones arriving.

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Living life one day at the time is how I started doing things now, not planning for anything because it never goes the way I plan. I am sick of being the one who always has to compromise and changing who I am. Why do you not just take me for the person I am? We are all different, and that is the meaning. What if we were all the same, that would not be a reality worth being in. Sometimes I hate myself so much these days that I am thinking this world would be better without me in it. My heart is broken, my soul is darkening and starting to turn black. The evilness insides me awakens and want to take control. Losing this control is not good for me, but I cannot choose how my brain works. I am sorry, but the thought of not being alive is taking over and it starts to feel like I am not supposed to be here in this world…

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Love,

Any Bryde