I Have Been in And Out of Wonderland


When everything turns around on you and you suddenly get so sick that you do not even have the idea of being in a hospital it can be a really scary thing. But there are so many helpful health personals and friendly faces. The doctors made my life and my body free from all the diseases and infections. I had tremendous help and the staff did so much for me here at Diakonhjemmet. I was in a coma for two weeks, never been before and my body fought and got stuck with every needle you can think of. My small little me was filled with tubes and everything. While my family and boyfriend viditing me, but I was in a place far away from this reality…

you dont know

I’m so sorry for you who had to see me like this, but I can say that I better now. And my legs works again. Up and walking again, feeling almost “normal” now. But I would never hsve could done this without the help I have gotten here. I am eternely thankful and humbled over the work. One thing is sure and that is that you health personals should get higher saleries. But this is a country where life is not fair at all in this way. Where the majority og women appartently want to be artisits or authors, but there are not that many good writers. No effence, but i like non fiction… That is why I write about the serious stuff. So Yes I am awake and the time is 7am.. Been up since 5:30am, its the hospital… In the evening night time after my boyfriend leave there is not so much to do than to sleep… But I have been fighting and working for getting back up on my feet again. And here I am! Up and going.

train your mind

My life is changed, never been in a coma before, two weeks! And waking after being in a coma is not pleasant at all. Is confusing and scary. I really did get an awakinging after this experience. And being in a hospital for almost one month is a long time! Just for you my friends all over the world, do not think I am gone, I have been in a place where I would never wish my worst enemy have to go. So take care of yourselves and your health, do not go crazy like I did this time. I will write more about this, but right now I just don’t know what to write or remember, it’s time to take care of me and mine as you did for me!

me

And writitng in Norwegian is not even my style, the language lack some words, so it all seems more poor in my opinion. But to you whom write in Norwegian, good job, you found a voice within yourselves.

Love,

Any Bryde

And Then The Summer…


Summer is sneaking up on us, slowly, luring us to think it’s here. Like a demon, the weather play its tricks and do whatever it want. Mainly because there’s no telling if these demons will show themselves. They destroy me, us, humans, relationships, animals, the planet and fighting them alone is a no go! Life is not about facing all my problems, neither are you! And as the ticks away I’m sure that you will see the soul under my layers…

It’s like getting shocked, but the feeling is all about magnetism and connection. It’s the feeling of energy, chemistry and a bound that was there from day one! You are the one that makes me feel like an almost person and you can eventually get me out of the prison inside my head… Loving somebody Like me is not always easy. We make so many stupid rules with our lives. Have to wait for the perfect time, cannot be in a relationship now, just broke up with someone, I have to blabla last…. In my eyes you are all bullshitting and throwing lies in our faces. Because if you love someone, the rules are gone and all you want is for them to be happy and have a wonderful, healthy and wealthy life. We have all been hurt, I’ve been crushed so many times that I have contemplated to end it all. The struggle is real and so fucking lonely!

For us to open up and let someone else inside again is not anything I’m doing. But I still help the ones whom I love and care for! My family says I’m naive, gullible, but rather that then cynical!

Love,

Any Bryde

Loosing Control And Wonderland Is Gone


When people get together there’s so much they are talking about that is not important at all, they have all these trivial conversations with no substance. They pretend they care about people, the universe, animals, the earth, politics, economics, and everything is strange because they really don’t care they just want to seem important. Helping us to see the real person in front of us, but sometimes they hide behind this mask and takes a while before we see and uncover their bad intention and behavior in the back talking and backstabbing.

bipolar

 Sometimes I just wish I could be “normal” as everybody else and not think about that I’m mentally ill and hopefully someday in the future I will be better than I am now. There’s so much more in life, I’m following my dream, I write to tell you about my life, my mental illness, my ups and downs, my friends, my family, my therapy, my obstacles and all the stuff that I’m anxious about. I also have these things in my head but I really cannot get rid of the voices that tell me that I’m useless, ugly, fat or not good for anything except being a burden for you all.

be kind

When you’re born with this and this burden as an illness you really don’t know how to cope in society there’s a lot of people that judge you when there are so many people that really don’t know because they don’t dare to ask you at all. And when I’m outside I just pretend that everything is okay, no one can see the tears they’re hiding in my eyes and I feel so lonely I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me that things will be okay in the future. And if not who knows maybe I won’t be old or live as long as I should, I’m sorry but that’s the harsh reality of this illness we never know! 

intimacy

It is because we don’t look sick at all, but I don’t look sick either, that there are scars that will never go away! And then again you have all these brave souls that I know also struggles with different mental illnesses like mine bipolar, borderline, dissociative, PTSD and so-and-so and we’ll manage, we take our medicine, you’ll go to therapy, we all cry inside behind our own four walls because we never really show it to other people, we want to stay strong and i just don’t want to be the one to destroy other people’s day so that’s why I’m playing hide and seek for as long as I can so people never see the reality and seriousness of my illnesses, besides my shakes that are getting worse and I don’t have anything to hide anything anymore I have become more honest I want to be out there and I want to share this with you and I want you to understand us! 

shes scared

I am starting to understand that some of you will never understand us being bipolar, but if you just took some time to explore in your brain. You would probably understand and I was seriousness in depression and mania. Of course we are all nuts alike all of us, we are different people, different backgrounds but it’s the thing that pulls us together is this feeling of black and white. I love a lot of you who has these illnesses and want you to succeed in life so please follow your dream, passion, you’re in their integration, is soul and do whatever you want to do. Don’t let anything stop you!

boring

Love,

Any Bryde

Once Upon A Time In Mentalville


There are times where you feel mentally raped, because the good words you thought maybe meant something just turned to shit.. So I’m saying hello to you here. Comment, ask or what ever if you want..

 

I also got a poem that my dearest Heidi has written about me, we meet in the darkness with candlelight that didn’t work properly. A place where we are “safe”, can take a timeout and breathe. But still we face everything all day long… Her poem is in Norwegian, I cried when I read it, the words are so beautiful, humbling and I do not or have not had anyone telling me this before. Nor have I had a person make something because they met me. She wrote it a couple of years ago, we got in touch again just this year, yes lovely Facebook, finding the ones you want (almost every time). She has so much love to give, as I, we are in the same boat, but not exactly, but we understand each other on a deeper level than anyone around us. There’s no judgment in our conversations or events. We are who we are, why doesn’t the world see the light??

Annicken

Ikke ta fra henne fargene

fra regnbuens skjønneste nyanser

til grått mot svart

Sprakende

Blomsterduft

Østens peon

Virvelvind

Uslepen diamant

Ikke ta fra henne ordene

Smittende kvitring

Hvilken rett har dere å si;

Vær stille- du syke slemme jente

Forstå;

At hennes strøm av visdomsord

Og latter med tårer i

Gir pusterom

I den uutoldelig smerten

Seg selv lar hun vente

-til hun får trøst for sin rotløse

smerte

ønsker en strykende varm hånd

over ferskenkinnet

et blikk som ser den lille jenta

bak den unge skjønne kvinne

den lille jenta som kom

fra et liv i armod

til velstand og varme

hungrer etter kjærlighet

fikk…

men, den fikk dype skår

slik ble sorgen så mye strørre

sjelen så smadret

hjertet så overfyllt at det brast…

Ikke ta fra henne tårene-

la henne skrike – rase uten å si

hun er gal..

tårer forløser…

Ikke ta fra henne lyset

dere kvinner uten lys

Hun er uforskyldt i det;

vil alltid være den vakreste

innenfra, fra et dyp

samme hva

en gave og forbannelse

Ikke ta ra henne vingene

-men lær henne å fly varsommere

forsvinner flagringen

da forsvinner hun

Jeg vet dere er skrekkslagne

rådville

-over det dere ei kan fatte

uforståelig

så;dere binder henne

i en pragmatisk verden

Men ser dere

der er en skjønn gudommelighet

for god for denne verden

som ble en sykdom

Jeg vet;

ser deres kamp mot det gode

-jeg kjente en lik henne engang

kom ei fra østens sol

men fra grønne vakre enger i nord

som bedro-hun kunne ikke puste

det samme lyset

den samme kampen

en engel kom tilslutt og strøk henne

og fargene fikk bli..

Ikke ta fra henne fargene

That was from my Heidi, translate it you whom do not read Norwegian, like I said, she knows me so much more than any other person and we see our souls and the kindness, love and all that we want to give.

Thank you, I love you!

Love,

Any Bryde