Sometimes It Is Not A Joke


My life is a joke, there is no use being alive, why should I, just give me one good reason. But How would I do it, the easiest way out is the pills. A death that’s not painful, but just falling asleep like any other night.My life is divided into two parts, the one where I am happy and the other one where I fuck everything up. It is always me, and I do everything wrong, so I do not know how to be anymore. I need help, self-harming is not enough for me anymore. I need something stronger, real, more frightening. Something that scares the shit out of me. Am I really worthy this life, am I worthy alive or is it better for me to be dead. My darkness is more and heavier this time. I try to turn it around to a more positive, but it is hard.

IMG_9023

But on the other hand, the light that keeps me alive, is everything and more powerful than me. But do he really understands how strong my love is for him. I do not know what to do anymore. Why am I not enough? Why is my life worth so little in comparison to other people. My life feels like a joke and I am the joker, so life is all a joke. But I try harder, work at it harder than ever before, just that I end up self-harmimg myself every time. But still it want get better so what is the use of being alive, when there is nothing to live for anymore. Why keep breathing, with a voice that is not heard. All the wrongs I do and everything I get blamed for. Is it all a joke, or is it really me? Every time I am sitting with the question; Is it fair?

IMG_9067

So I am cutting myself, I know is it stupid, that I am an idiot. I do not relly think that I should be here anymore. The more I think about it, the more sure I get: I am sick, tired and exhausted, how can I bare this burden? My life is just a joke, I am a burden to those whom I love and I do them wrong all the time. So it is true, I do not deserve to be happy, because every time I fuck it up. ending with hating myself even more than I already do. And this is not to get empathy or you to feel sorry for me. I am over that, I see blood and that is my satisfaction, the one thing that calms my nerves. But I still think, maybe it is some kind of a twisted joke, where I am the joker and really are not alive. I wish for the darkness, it is scaring me. How much I long for not being here in this world, where all I do is wrong no matter what or how hard I try.I keep distance, I leave you, I am going against my own beliefs. How is it that I am the only one that has to compromize? Am I really that bad, am I so much of a burden to handle? Or is it really anyone who can handle me?

IMG_9248

I feel so lonely it aches all over, I just want to keep on cutting and bleed to death! The ultimate peace and relief from my mind and myself. It is unbearable being me sometimes, and I do so many wrong things. even tho I try to correct all the errors, it is ending up with bigger black holes. The truth be told, is not a good idea to be honest. It is better to shut the hell up and do not fall in that gap. I wish I died instead of lived! How can someone love me, I feel that everything I do I  FUCK UP?

IMG_8858

Love,

Any Bryde

Advertisements

I Have Been in And Out of Wonderland


When everything turns around on you and you suddenly get so sick that you do not even have the idea of being in a hospital it can be a really scary thing. But there are so many helpful health personals and friendly faces. The doctors made my life and my body free from all the diseases and infections. I had tremendous help and the staff did so much for me here at Diakonhjemmet. I was in a coma for two weeks, never been before and my body fought and got stuck with every needle you can think of. My small little me was filled with tubes and everything. While my family and boyfriend viditing me, but I was in a place far away from this reality…

you dont know

I’m so sorry for you who had to see me like this, but I can say that I better now. And my legs works again. Up and walking again, feeling almost “normal” now. But I would never hsve could done this without the help I have gotten here. I am eternely thankful and humbled over the work. One thing is sure and that is that you health personals should get higher saleries. But this is a country where life is not fair at all in this way. Where the majority og women appartently want to be artisits or authors, but there are not that many good writers. No effence, but i like non fiction… That is why I write about the serious stuff. So Yes I am awake and the time is 7am.. Been up since 5:30am, its the hospital… In the evening night time after my boyfriend leave there is not so much to do than to sleep… But I have been fighting and working for getting back up on my feet again. And here I am! Up and going.

train your mind

My life is changed, never been in a coma before, two weeks! And waking after being in a coma is not pleasant at all. Is confusing and scary. I really did get an awakinging after this experience. And being in a hospital for almost one month is a long time! Just for you my friends all over the world, do not think I am gone, I have been in a place where I would never wish my worst enemy have to go. So take care of yourselves and your health, do not go crazy like I did this time. I will write more about this, but right now I just don’t know what to write or remember, it’s time to take care of me and mine as you did for me!

me

And writitng in Norwegian is not even my style, the language lack some words, so it all seems more poor in my opinion. But to you whom write in Norwegian, good job, you found a voice within yourselves.

Love,

Any Bryde

Karma, Love and Honesty


The older I get, the more I feel that I’m losing myself. The people around me speak about me behind my back, they tell lies, but none of them dare to say them to my face. Lets say you are a “psychic” and you tell other people to stay away from me because I use drug, duh, its my medicine. Its sometimes self medication but what’s the difference between that and drinking toxic coca cola or alcohol every day to oblivion? There are so many hypocrites out there, just after my money! You should get your head out of your asses and I will also assure you that karma will come and bite you in the ass!

not killing you

I had a guy in my life when we were in high school, I was so in love, for almost a decade I was sure we were meant for each other. I thought you were the love of my life, but there was too much silence, secrets, not sharing, you not letting me in under your skin and I tried. You tried, but in the end we are not for each other even tho i wished for it! You had your problems to sort out and when you were not willing to do that there was no relationship happening. The saddest part is that we cannot even be friends and I would really like and appreciate that. We have known each other over half our lives, lived in the same city all our lives. Yes I fucked up, but I’m only “human” and I think you really need a friend, I want to be here for you!

in life forever

I feel broken, there is nothing that can fix me, the hole keeps growing and my world gets darker. In the darkness I feel safe, comfortable, like a living dead and not so alone because I have all my monsters with me. You can laugh, pretend you don’t know that I am writing about you, to be honest I want you to know but I still don’t care. Because I grew over the past years and you have never hurt me physically only emotionally. And I have hurt you, I am sorry, wish there were someway I could make it go away.

become who you areused to the pain

Fixing myself is the hardest and most challenging thing I ever have to go through. I don’t know how long it will take, nor do I know if I really can do it on my own to be honest! There is one person in this world who broke me like I was a stick. I wish I could hurt you back, put you in a wheelchair, make you have no feeling from the neck and down. But I’m not that kind if a person, I don’t play dirty, I do this fair and square. The right way, with proof, through lawyers and the police. Don’t worry, you won’t even know.. BUT People seldom accept abusers of any kind you know! You can blame me for every word in the dictionary, I did not have these diagnoses then. But I have pictures, voice memos, bruises, traumas and its all because of you! I will never forgive you, but I have moved on, because I know people like you will get what you deserve because there are no secrets here anymore and I’m not the fragile girl you broke down five years ago!

she apologized

And then it is you, the man in my heart and soul that I love so much. The one I never knew existed, the one I am so afraid of losing to someone better, prettier, sexier, smarter and all that. The one I keep in my heart because there is something telling me we really are meant for each other. I do believe in love and I have always and will always! So I love you now, yesterday and forever…

So i love you

Love,

Any Bryde

Be My Valentine Baby


I feel lost and alone where I once felt home and safe. Some of my friends has really shown their true faces by turning around and becoming the person they once said they did not like or would not have in their life. Even tho I am kind do not mistake my kindness for weakness. I expect you to acknowledge it and look yourself in the mirror, make your wrong right without me having to tell you this over and over. So cleaning out my closet is looking to be an ongoing process. So I have learned, people smile and pretend, turn their backs around and talk about me as they think they know what is going on behind my door. I want to say, I am old enough to handle the truth so stop comforting me with your lies and be honest and true! I will always find out, my 7th sense is stronger than you know and the voices in my head tells me which one of you I can trust. Sadly now you are fewer and fewer each day. Thus I have enough people behind me and some of them can also carry me. 

understand growth

My man, my love he can actually take me out sky high both in my daydreaming and for real since he has his own helicopters and licensed to fly them. But it does not stop there, he puts a smile on my face every time I think of him and I love him so much! He is the kindest soul I met, works hard, makes me feel safe and he is not exploiting me or using me for money like others have done. He loves me for the person I am, let me take pictures of him, laugh with me and we are silly together as well as quiet. He is my dream, I am keeping him close even tho he lives on the other side of the world, but we work and no matter what people believe I really do not care about your thoughts about long distance relationships. I had relationships here in Oslo and most of them has been a huge disaster or mistakes! 

your heart is tierd

Will you be  my valentine, my love – my man?

if there valentines

Lately my memories, vivid dreams and dissociations has become stronger and more often than before. I have problems with separating reality and my visions, because they are so real that I can see myself in them. I feel every word and action. They take place in places where I have been, went to school, lived, travelled and been or not been. There are so many visions that apparently not are mine, but I believe them to be and it is hard for me to see them as unreal. Still my brain lives its own life, and I am fighting this invisible battle every second of the day. It is a hard struggle and I am exhausted from my skeleton and through my every cell in my whole body. Some days I just want to lay myself down and sleep forever. Tired of people not understanding or making me have to take care of them. When will you take care of me?

not everybody

Love,

Any Bryde